I'm not gonna lie to ya: this one is gonna be pulled completely out of my ass. Metaphorically, of course. Don't be disgusting. I've just gotten back from a weekend back in Ireland (to the news that it turns out I'm missing nothing back there. Should've gone to Limerick instead.) and not I'm bolloxed after an work, then a run in the gym, then archery, which it turns out is much harder to do when you've wasted all your energy in the aforementioned gym.
I turn on MTV in the morning (since I only have two channels here in the Netherlands and the other's CNN which I can't take more than one minute twenty seconds of, seriously, I timed it and everything) and a song was playing (a song? I hear you ask, Yes! Turns out there isn't much of a market for Teen Mom or Room Raiders (the show that makes kidnapping fun!!!1!!) at 8:30 in the morning, so they fill in the gaps with this "music" stuff that's in the name of their goddamn station.
Below follows my thoughts on this artist's joyful musings:
In My Pocket lyrics My Internal Monologue Lyrics I wish you smelled a little funny --- (Oh man this is gonna be one to remember *stops flicking back to CNN*) Not just funny really bad--- (Fuckin' shakespeare, this guy.) We could roam the streets forever --- (Why? Are you trying to romance this woman with homelessness?) Just like cats but we'd never stray--- (Wh- Wait, what? What does this have to do with smelling bad?) I sometimes wish you were a mermaid --- (Better) I could raise you in the tub at home --- (. . . Not better. Stalkerer.) We could take a swim together --- (more romantic than begging like in the last verse.) On weekly daytrips to the bay --- (Weekly? She'd LIVE in the sea! You'd just be torturing her. Giving her glimpses of a life she once knew.) Oh, you and me--- (pretty self explanatory) It would be only you and me--- (slightly creepy now) You and me--- (*leaning away from the TV*) I wish you were a little bigger--- (Heh. Chubby chaser.) Not just big but really really fat--- (Um. Blimp chaser?) Doors you would no longer fit through--- (uh. . . huh? . . . ) In my bed you would have to stay--- (He's going to fatten you up? Is he the villain in a Brothers Grimm story or what?) I often wish that you had feathers--- (Whatever you're into, i guess) I'd keep you in a giant cage--- (unless that thing is illegal imprisonment) All day long I'd sit and watch you--- (Watching . . . always watching . . . ) And sing for you if it would be okay--- (So she's dressed up as the bird, and you're the one singing? I'm not sure if you know how birds work, mister.) Oh, you and me--- (Here we go again) It'll be only you and me--- (Keep saying it) Oh, you and me--- (It'll only make it less creepy) It'll be only you and me--- (Totally normal, man.) You and me--- (Not calling the cops right now or anything . . . ) People say--- (that you're a freak?) There are plenty of fish--- (and that you're a freak) In the sea--- (Unlike your tortured mermaid-girlfriend) Baby, all I do I wish--- (Wish what?)
I wish, I wish I..--- (What, dammit!)
I wish you were a little slower--- (Wha-? . . . You want her to be autistic?) Not just slow but pa-pa-paralyzed--- (WHAT IN GODS NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?) I could put you on a socket--- (That's not a paraplegic! That's a fucking robot, dumbass!) And you could never run away--- (How are you still mixing those two things up?)
I really wish that you were smaller --- (You. Need. Help. With your "kinks".) Not just small but really really short--- (Oh Jesus, he's going to cut your legs off.) So I could put you in my pocket--- (aaand the song title finally comes into play. A bit late, no?) And carry you around all day--- (Run woman! Run for the hills!)
Oh I would put you in my pocket--- (Probably in a jar, from what we've seen from this guy.) And carry you around all day--- (Never. Letting you. Out of his sight.)
Oh, you and me--- (Oh, thank god, I think he ran out of horrible deformities to give her.) It'll be only you and me--- (Still creepy.) Oh, you and me--- (How have the FBI not picked up on this guy?) It'll be only you and me--- (How many bodies must he have under his floorboards?) It'll be only you and me--- ( . . . Still a damn catchy tune, though. *adds to youtube playlist*)
. . . Phew! Ok. That's a wrap. Now go make fun of someone more successful than you or something . . .
To Everyone In Secondary School: I give you my wealth of experience in what to expect from whatever subjects you chose. Maybe "wealth" is the wrong word for it, though.
History: The most interesting people you will never meet have their lives, hopes, dreams and motivations explained in the most boring way imaginable.
Art: Creative = popular. You knew that, right? Well, tough. Everyone here is a creative genius except you!
English: I dont even. Its just, like. Bluh. Y'kno? Spellin an shakspeer an shit. Who de fuck wants dat?
French: If you'r good at it, you won't need it. If you want to be good at it, you will need it, but your other grades will suffer as you desperately study your ass off for it. If you don't want anything to do with it, then you'll just be put in the bottom 5-8 classes with all the best teachers the other students actually want.
Agricultural Science: Needs to be renamed "Boggeraphy".
Business: Fuck. This. This is how the world works? Nuke us all and start over from amoebas.
Physics: You either get it or you don't. Unfortunately theres still no diplomatic immunity from the laws of gravity.
Biology: Sex. That's the only reason anyone ever does this subject. It also manages to make an awesome topic like this so trivial and mind-numbing you might as well be looking at the assembly instructions of an Ikea cabinet.
Chemistry: I didn't do this subject. . . . I assume there's a distinct lack of skin-melting and cancer-curing, though.
Computer Studies: The most unnecessary subject, in a world where we can use iTunes to learn what "alphabetical order" is, since Not Suffocating On Your Own Tongue 101.
Music: Seriously? This has no real-world applications, unless you're already some kind of Hans Zimmer wonderkid. And even then, you're probably doing composing in your spare time so you don't need this.
Geography: One years worth of information, tops. Biggest. Waste. Of Fucking. Time.
Social and Polical Studies: I stand corrected. This makes geography look like astrophysics.
. . .
"Is it that time again?" I hear you ask?
I answer: "Fuck if I know!" So here's some more smileys what I done made up there now.
BJ : Cool "smirking" smiley w/ shades (Warning: May be misinterpreted!)
T_T : Crying smiley
: / : I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do?
: \ : I dunno, whaddyou wanna do?
$_$ : Business opportunity! (a.k.a. "The Ka-Ching!")
:M : Hungry Baby Bird
£_£ : Business opportunity (British Edition)
€_€ : Business opportunity (European edition)
B : )
B : )
B : )
B : )
B : )
B ) : Deal with it! (YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!)
. . .
This is the bit where I make an uninformed, biased opinion on something which doesn't really affect me in any way.
Then I get angry over said issue for reasons which will evade me during the proofread.
Then I make a vague generalisation backed up only by my own limited, near-sighted experience, trying to make me look like a deep-seated thinker, when it really only makes me look like a thirteen year old emo with a myspace blog.
Then I make it into a dick joke.
. . .
Then I finish up with a quote robbed from a philoseraptor picture.
. . .
There. Finito. Done. Kaput. Go rob a bank or something. Maybe a blood bank . . .
And Now. Lucky Readers, We grant you a rare insight into the numbers behind one of your favouritemost anticipated barely read blogs!
Yeah. . . . I still don't know what I did in July that was so impressive. Must've run out of ideas pretty quickly, looking at that dropoff in August. Followed by a big buildup into February . . . and then I go on co-op and everyone swiftly stops giving a shit.
I wonder why.
Pageviews last month
Pageviews all time history
Meh. Not Much to say about this. Other than, y'know, the usual "Pleeease link meeee!" shpeal.
. . . Apparently I haven't been properly funny in quite a while . . .
Ok, seriously, this has gone on long enough. Why am I more popular in Russia than Canada? If you do like the blog, please leave a comment. Preferably in english.
Pageviews by Browsers
What the hell is NS8? Or Autopager for that matter? Must be a linux thing.
Pageviews by Operating Systems
Windows NT 6.1
Yeah, definitely a Linux thing. Even I'm not that dedicated a nerd. And that's coming from someone who can tell if a superhero was made by Marvel or DC. From someone who has two pages of "speed dial" pages that open as soon as he fires up the internet, and every one of them is either video game or comic-based. From someone who is buck teeth and a plaid shirt away from collapsing the universe in on itself from the sheer density of his stereotyping. I even know what a friggin' plainswalker is, for god's sake! . . .
But wait! I hear you ask. Surely that can't be it?!? Surely he can't have just thrown up a few pics from his stats page and called it a day? There must be an easter egg of some sorts hidden there!
And if you search long and hard enough in the pics above, you might find one!
Find one yet?
If you do, though, send it to me, because I sure as hell didn't put one there.
. . . Of course there's something else, though. There's the picture. Which I totally did not forget about and cause a repost sometime after the original. (desperately searches hard drive)
There. Its of weapons a shapeshifter could make with it's hands. (Duhhh! Told you I was a nerd.)
. . . There. Now go and make an absurdly long blog post comprised primarily of images with little or no content or something . . .
I'm a Product Design student in the University of Limerick, Ireland, with a penchant for video games and sarcasm. I've been described as "Like a John Cleese made of stone" and "the guy with the glasses. . . no, not him, the other one".
. . .
If the blog reads like something farted out of the back pages of a cut-price philosophy textbook, that's because I was going for a "stream of consciousness" approach, but had to settle for "trickle of basic sentience".