Stuff you should look up: All the newsmanship and unbiased, objective analysis you'd expect from a Fox News report!

If the devil is in the detail, does that mean God is just some weird, enormous, cosmic smudge?

Websites

   -The Cheezburger Network

Ben Huh is responsible for Lolcats.

I have seen the face of the destroyer. 

It is adorably misspelled.

That's all I can really say about it without going into pages upon pages of rants.

Nonetheless, the terrifying monster that is the lolcat meme has spawned some inbred, mutant children which, if you squint a bit and don't look too closely at, almost become bearable. They are as follows:

1) Very Demotivational

Take a picture, put it into a black background, add a half joke. Funny more often than not.

2) FailBlog

Probably bigger than the original lolcat site at this stage. If there's one thing that makes the human race emotionally and spiritually richer, it's laughing at other people's misfortune.

3) Daily Squee

Because it's my blog. I get to say what goes up here. 

4) FailBook

Once again the results of mankinds obsession with instant worldwide sharing of every single thought are, occasionally, worth it.

5) Totally Looks Like

The home of the "what . . . who's that guy? Ohhhhh. Shit. Wait. I know this. He's from that thing. No, not that. The other. Um. Thingy. Programme. Or film. I forget. A fuckit. To the IMDB!

 . . . 

C'est fini! Maintenant, allez et étude un nouvelle langue . . . 

And on the eighth day, God created 4chan. And He did look upon what He hath wrought and saw that He really done fucked up this time.

Craaaaaaap! It's the Day Of Wedd-Ness. The day that precedes the Day Of Thurs, but follows almost immediately follows St. Ues' Day!


I need to make some shit up. Fast.


 . . . 


I got nothing.


So instead, I'll just stick with my current idea on my other blog.


The people and culture of Holland.


They have no 1 or 2 cent coins over here. They round to the nearest 5c.
Sorry if I just kinda burst out with that, but it had to be said. These guys are smart. The whole country gives the mpression of constantly being run by men in grey pinstripe suits. But not the kind of suits back in Ireland. That country gives the impression of being run by guys in suits who are either in a boardroom meeting constantly thinking about what option would make their share prices go through the roof like an coal miner with a really bad sense of direction. 
Holland country is run by men in suits who all refer to their subordinates by first name, and go bowling with a team at the weekends.


Buses run on time. To the minute. It costs €3 for an all-day ticket. Three, count it, muthafuckin Euros. That's actually crazy.


They obey all the rules of the road over here. Do you know all the rules of the road? These guys sure as fuck do. Its kinda cool. Cyclists have right of way in a lot of cases which just don't happen elsewhere. You feel weirdly confident when you're sitting in the saddle. And in a way that is totally not as gay as that sounded.


From the looks of it crime is really low. It's probably just the area I'm in, but I've heard my co-workers saying they normally buy some cheap booze, cycle into the city centre (no mean feat!) Then cycle home when the bars shut at 4 in the morning. I have to keep pinching myself to remind me that you're not in Kansas college anymore, Dorothy Craig. I mean me. I mean. Fuck it.


My new job mainly consists of me sitting at my laptop at my desk, trying to get the whole "self-motivation" thing going. Its a work in progress. 


 . . . 
Right. That's all for this episode. Tune in next week, when we show you how Craig finally found out his house had a garage! (5 days after he moved in.)
Now go for a cycle or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Now featuring the answer to the meaning of life!

I dare you to press F13 and see what happens!
 . . . go on, I'll wait . . .
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Webcomics
  - Updated Weekly


1) VG Cats - Ok, so this site hasn't been updated for a loooooong time. But he's much better at updating his other comic Super Effective. Hilarious for those who, like me, spent the better part of the late 1990's stuffing monsters which spat in the face of Darwin's "evolution" into comically undersized spheres.



2) Looking For Group - A webcomic that deserves to be read from the beginning. The artist, Lar DeSouza, is simply brilliant. For evidence of said brilliance, simply look here!

3) The Punchline Is Machismo - Lots of both video game and movie references in this one.

4) Sequential Art - An ongoing story. A feirce funny read!

5) Basic Instructions - A complete guide on how to live your life.

 . . . 

Please don't tell the respective owners that I used it without permission . . . 

If anyone does have any problems with this horrific and flagrant teabagging of copyright law, don't hesitate to get in touch.

 . . . 

C'est fini!

It's not Rocket Science. . . it's just regular-style science.

Believe it or not, The Irish, having an island-bound cultural evolution, never really "got" the metric system. Recent attempts have been made in the name of EU law in trying to get Ireland into step with the rest of civilisation, but, like economic stability, and attractiveness, there are some things which the Irish mindset is just not suited for. The Imperial system was adopted in places just so the English Bastards, Scots Cunts, and Welsh Sheepshaggers would be able to converse with us, and many felt comfortable with it, in the knowledge that it made no God Damn Sense. It was as if the Irish had invented it themselves.
But here at Extrapolated Cynicism, we believe in fostering amiable international relations with all them weirdo foreigner-types thanks to our boundless sense of responsibility and a court order.
So to help any students of the Irish culture out there, here is a quick translation of the
System of Handy Irish Totals Evaluation. (The acronym is pending restructuring)
 . . .
Fuck-all.                                     Less than 0.1
A smidgin.                                   Between 0.1 and 0.5
A bit.                                          Between 0.5 and 1
A handful.                                   Between 1 and 5
A fair bit.                                    Between 5 and 10
A good bit.                                 Between 10 and 20
A fair amoun'.                             Between 20 and 50
A good amoun'.                          Between 50 and 100
A heap.                                       Between 100 and 500
A load.                                        Between 500 and 1000
A tun.                                          Between 1000 and 10,000
A shitload.                                   Between 10,000 and 100,000
A shit-ton.                                   Between 100,000 and 1,000,000
Loads.                                         Between 1,000,000 and 2,000,000
Tons.                                           Between 2,000,000 and 10,000,000
Jaysus.                                         Between 10,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Jaysus! 'Tis comin towards us!!!    More than that last number.^


They can be further quantified with the suffix:
-of tings
-of yolks
-of wans
-of dem tings
-of dem yolks
-of dem wans
 . . .
Did anyone ever tell you that "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." and "The Alphabet Song" have the same music?
 . . .
More phrases that make no sense to me:
"Having your cake and eating it" - What the fuck is the point in having a cake if you're not going to eat it exactly?
"A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." - What? For a start, based on experience, I don't want any birds in my hand because I know the little fucker's just gonna shit everywhere.
"A penny saved is a penny earned." - No. A penny worked for is a penny "earned". Earning and saving are mutually exclusive. You have to earn before you can save. Besides, money is made for spending. A more accurate phrase would be: "A penny worked for, and which shall be of some value in the foreseeable future, with an idealised but as yet undesignated purpose in mind, and is not immediately exchanged for goods or services, is a penny both earned and saved."
"A problem shared is a problem halved." - No. Frankly,a problem shared is a problem doubled.
 . . . 
Be sure to check out this shit right here. I'ma be all up in this biotch fo' reals yo fo' like, eight months. 
This is gonna be my new blog. I'm gonna try and keep this one updated with no delays, but frankly this could be overstretching myself. Still. Here's to hoping! 
See ya on the flip side, B!
 . . . 
That's it. Go write an email or something. . .

Stuff you should look up: Now with more bleuuughrghhhuurghling!

So I got back from a little holiday today, and feel pretty shitty from jetlag.
I have a new ps3 but no controller or games.
I leave again in a week for my first real job.
My laptop keeps flipping the tripswitch to the house.
A bottle of raspberry liquer broke in my bag from some overzealous baggage handlers.
I am waaaay behind on blogging and sketching and forgot to write down any ideas I had.
Yet I have absolutely no right to be unhappy with my situation, since each of those sentences was already the product of a massivey fortuitous life I find myself in.
 . . .
The "Big Picture" sucks is what I'm saying.
 . . .


YouTube
 -My Subscriptions


Each of these guys deserves you to look at a few of their videos.


1) Auto-Tune The News (a.k.a. Schmoyoho)
Talented, talented people. A good idea made great.



2) EpicMealTime
Epic doesn't even do it justice. It needs a new word to describe it which somehow dwarfs "epic". I'm thinking "Blarflargian!"



3) BeardyMan
This guy is just too awesome for words. Plus, he has a degree in Product Design!



4) OverClocked Remix
I already made a post with these songs in it. Still think it's great, though!



5) Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series.
For any nerds who may read this. The rest of you, don't bother. It's . . . uh . . . nerd-humour. Numour.



 . . .
That's it for now. Go read the paper or something. . .

The Vacationator!

Away for the next week.
Unable to work out how the scheduling function on this thing works.
Can only speak in sentence fragments.
That is all.
Toodles.
 . . .
This PSA was sponsored by the Irish Emigration Service.
"Because go and mooch off of some other country for a while!"

In which I try to make a point . . . all over your mum's face!

Right. It's been ages since I last made a post about anything specific. Or relevant. Or, I don't know, sensible.
So I have decided to address you, the many fine readers of this now possibly world-famous blography, about my Christmas holidays. Feel free to imagine me wearing a deep red smoking jacket, seated in a wing back chair in front of a roaring fire, occasionally sipping from a glass of fine port. It will certainly elevate me in your minds from the terrible, tortured, unshaven, misshapen, possibly-chocolate-stained jabba the hutt that is my existence.

Imagine this, but with glasses and a bitchin' hat.

So, anyway, readers, how was your Christmas?
Uh huh . . . 
Yeah . . .
Ha! Seriously? . . . 
No, really, keep talking. I can totally hear you through the screen, dumpass. Leave a comment.
Anyway, back to the important subject at hand: Me, my Ego (fully deserving of the capital letter) and the vigorous repeated stroking thereof to let forth glorious, sporadic and breathless bursts of brilliance. Straight into your eyes.

Picture unrelated.

My Christmas was pretty shit. Not the family, or the horrible weather, or the work, or the loneliness.
It was the presents. But not even the presents themselves. It was the process behind the presents that pissed me off.
You ever hear the phrase "It's the thought that counts"? Well this situation was the opposite. No one had a clue what to get me, so they just threw in a tried-and-trusted, can't-really-complain sort of gift. Like chocolate. Or a swift kick to the throat.
My presents were as follows:
2 Hoodies,
A DVD that I had seen already,
A Belt that I had asked for,
€20 voucher for Newbridge Shopping Centre,
Money.
From "Santa" in all his wonderful, obese, all-knowing glory, I was given: Socks and a box of flash cards with "Interesting Facts" on them.
Now these, you will agree were not bad presents. I didn't even have to fake smile! I didn't even get a book, which was nice, considering the last three years have yielded about 30 books in total. I read them all. The parents insisted I couldn't use them as toilet paper or kindling until I did.
The problem is that I'm not out of contact with these people. Every time I meet them, they always say "How's the archery?" or "You're dong some designery course, aren't you?"

Eh. Fuck it, close enough.

So they know that I enjoy: 
Archery,
Design, in a nonspecific sense,
Computer Games,
Music,
Food,
and the fact that I'm leaving in less than a month to go to the continent for a few months of work experience.
How many of those gifts fall into any of those categories? Certainly I enjoy wearing clothes. Money is always welcome. A twenty quid voucher to a place I've never been to, in a country I won't be back in until a few months before it expires, whereafter I will be at the opposite end of the country, not so much.
I realise it is hard to buy gifts for people my age, but come on! Was "He enjoys not having cold, wet feet" really the best they could think of?
I realise I appear petty and childish here, but all I'm asking is that, the next time you go out shopping for a present. Think. What do you know about this person? If this still draws a blank, then just ask someone who does know. An thoughtful, educated guess that's way off will always be much better received than a lucky stab in the dark. (Incidentally, stabs in the dark are almost never well-received as presents).
 . . . 
Fuck it. I'm done. See ya next time. Go fb message a friend or something . . . 
Craig out.

Warning! Hazardous! Aim Blog Away From Face!

How to make old movies more accessible to the new generation:
Here's where I suggest Disney and Pixar should start:
 . . . 
The Little Spermaid
The Lady who was a total Tramp
Snow White Trash and the Seven Dwarfs
Your Wildest Fantasia
Alice in Anal Wonderland
Who F**ked Roger Rabbit?
Robin Hood and his merry man-whores
Sleeping Beauty (a story about roofies)
The Jungle Fuck.
The Aristocunts
The Lion Kink.
Porkahontas
Gettin' Freaky Friday.
Sex Toy Story.
The Emperor's New Lube.
Lilo and Snatch.
The Insatiables.
Megan Fox and the Hound (banned in most countries outside central Asia)
anything starring Donald Dick.
 . . . 
Then theres the ones that don't need to be changed. They have triple-x names all by themselves.
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
The Rescuers go Down Under
 . . . 
The worst part is that I've a feeling most of these have already been done. (No. I'm not going to go find out.)
Did I miss any?
 . . .
And what is the deal with airline food? (cue recorded American laughter a.k.a. a noise that can only be described as "outrageous guffaws", and leaves you feeling as idiotic as the word "guffaw")
But really, why is it that the only time I really want to have ice cream is when it's fucking freezing outside? I get the association with cold weather and cold food that a brain numbed by sub-zero temperatures and a diet regular only in its unhealthiness, but why do I walk in from a blizzard and suddenly think that an iceburger is the thing that would really hit the spot right now.
I have sensitive teeth and everything! I bite into it, step outside, and it feels like I've been teabagged by Jack Frost.
 . . .
(cue outrageous guffaws) Shut up!
 . . .
World's Worst Names:
Ray Sissd.
Peter File.
Richard Heade.
Ben Dover.
Mary Hancock. (look up Spoonerism)
Cupid Stunt. (also Spoonerism)
Ivana Goda-de-Bafrum.
Mr. Bation.
Mike Hunt
Olive Dixon-Meahe.
Noah Shitte. 
Noah Shitte after he remarried to a woman who wanted a double-barrel name, making him Noah Shitte-Sherlock.
. . . 
One of those above is a real person I went to school with.
 . . . 
That's all. Now go and leave a comment about how awesome I am or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: I'll stop when Madonna acts her age!

And now, presenting:
The Maestro of Mediocrity,
The Aristotle of Average,
The Michelangelo of Meh,
The King of the Kan't-Do Attitude,
The Lord of Laziness,
The Earl of Easily Entertained,
The Outstanding Winner of Outstaying Welcomes . . .
 . . . Thiiiiiiiiis Guyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
 . . .
Music
  -Old Rock Anthems


1) You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet - Bachman Turner Overdrive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7miRCLeFSJo


2) Crazy Crazy Nights - Kiss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6gaS9wrtM4


3) Black Betty - RamJam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMLnDuzgkjo


4) Poison - Alice Cooper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sT54IEORII


5) Bat Outta Hell - Meatloaf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9hLcRU5wE4


 . . . 


Bonus Round!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw6_VXPwm6U


That's it for this week. Go leave a comment or something . . .