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It's not Rocket Science. . . it's just regular-style science.

Believe it or not, The Irish, having an island-bound cultural evolution, never really "got" the metric system. Recent attempts have been made in the name of EU law in trying to get Ireland into step with the rest of civilisation, but, like economic stability, and attractiveness, there are some things which the Irish mindset is just not suited for. The Imperial system was adopted in places just so the English Bastards, Scots Cunts, and Welsh Sheepshaggers would be able to converse with us, and many felt comfortable with it, in the knowledge that it made no God Damn Sense. It was as if the Irish had invented it themselves.
But here at Extrapolated Cynicism, we believe in fostering amiable international relations with all them weirdo foreigner-types thanks to our boundless sense of responsibility and a court order.
So to help any students of the Irish culture out there, here is a quick translation of the
System of Handy Irish Totals Evaluation. (The acronym is pending restructuring)
 . . .
Fuck-all.                                     Less than 0.1
A smidgin.                                   Between 0.1 and 0.5
A bit.                                          Between 0.5 and 1
A handful.                                   Between 1 and 5
A fair bit.                                    Between 5 and 10
A good bit.                                 Between 10 and 20
A fair amoun'.                             Between 20 and 50
A good amoun'.                          Between 50 and 100
A heap.                                       Between 100 and 500
A load.                                        Between 500 and 1000
A tun.                                          Between 1000 and 10,000
A shitload.                                   Between 10,000 and 100,000
A shit-ton.                                   Between 100,000 and 1,000,000
Loads.                                         Between 1,000,000 and 2,000,000
Tons.                                           Between 2,000,000 and 10,000,000
Jaysus.                                         Between 10,000,000 and 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Jaysus! 'Tis comin towards us!!!    More than that last number.^

They can be further quantified with the suffix:
-of tings
-of yolks
-of wans
-of dem tings
-of dem yolks
-of dem wans
 . . .
Did anyone ever tell you that "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." and "The Alphabet Song" have the same music?
 . . .
More phrases that make no sense to me:
"Having your cake and eating it" - What the fuck is the point in having a cake if you're not going to eat it exactly?
"A Bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." - What? For a start, based on experience, I don't want any birds in my hand because I know the little fucker's just gonna shit everywhere.
"A penny saved is a penny earned." - No. A penny worked for is a penny "earned". Earning and saving are mutually exclusive. You have to earn before you can save. Besides, money is made for spending. A more accurate phrase would be: "A penny worked for, and which shall be of some value in the foreseeable future, with an idealised but as yet undesignated purpose in mind, and is not immediately exchanged for goods or services, is a penny both earned and saved."
"A problem shared is a problem halved." - No. Frankly,a problem shared is a problem doubled.
 . . . 
Be sure to check out this shit right here. I'ma be all up in this biotch fo' reals yo fo' like, eight months. 
This is gonna be my new blog. I'm gonna try and keep this one updated with no delays, but frankly this could be overstretching myself. Still. Here's to hoping! 
See ya on the flip side, B!
 . . . 
That's it. Go write an email or something. . .


Magatha-May said...

Craig - I love your SHITE

Tynermeister said...

Depending on the context, that statement could warrent a variety of responses. In this case, I'll say thank you very much, at least someone does. :) I also like my S.H.I.T.E.

Fredrick said...

Read more than two blogs?

This is starting to sound like work, Curse you Craig!!!

Tynermeister said...

I know! It's like. Having to read! Like. Loads of words!!! What kind of job do you have where reading is work?

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