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Your simile is like a ray of sunshine!

Ok, roysh. I think I can get an actual blog post out on the right day that is well written, thoughtful, insightful, grammatically correct, and-


Nope. Couldn't say it with a straight face.
 . . . 
I've heard a lot of people attempt the Irish accent when I tell them where I'm from on my travels. That is to say every single foreign person feels compelled to give me their "best" Irish accent as soon as I tell them I'm Irish. And yet people yell at me when I attempt a Japenese accent, telling me that it's "racist" or some shit.
If you want to do a horrifically racist stereotype, then at least do it properly! So here's the lowdown, from the best I can describe it:

Southern Irish Accent
The "traditional" Irish accent. Whenever you hear a leprechaun on TV, this would be the closest you would get in a real life situation. Which is to say, about as close as I'll ever get to a threesome with Lucy Liu and Jessica Alba.
On the moon.  
Sub-accent---Cork accent. Hoo boy. The big one. You really need to hear this to believe it. Legend has it Corkites invented this dialect to make outsiders feel afraid and confused when in their company, thus being able to weed out any non-Corkanians or Kerryese from literally any conversation. Think "random and garbled", add some nasal, raise the tone of every sentence at the end so it sounds like a question, even when it's not? Change every "A" for an "E"? And add a "like" or "boy" to the end of every sentence and yer laughin, like y'know boy?

Northern Irish Accent
Might as well be a foreign language, for all the resemblance it bears to the other accents. Speech is generally formed around insults and insinuations regarding either Catholics or Protestants and the religeous leaders thereof. It's almost scottish, but more nasal. In Scotland, Now=Noo. In N.I. "now" is pronounced "Nie". "How" is pronounced "Hie" etc. Add something unintelligable about the IRA and you're done.
Sub-accent---Donegal accent: Similar but gentle and soft-spoken. Breathy, calm speech pattern. Gives the impression that the speaker is a complete and total pussy. 

Western Irish Accent
Mayo and Glaway, referred to as "the oule wesht" by some, are where Cromwell, James I, and Elizebeth I (the cunts! All irish people are required from birth to say that whenever Cromwell is mentioned.) moved all the Catholics out to during the plantations. There remains the truest spirit of Irishness. That is to say, everyone is miserable and theres no money out there. The accent has broad, rounded vowels and is punctuated by "ah shure" and "y'know" instead of commas.

North Dublin Accent
Aaaaaaaaalroit, man? Hew's the ska, laaaad? Did you understand that? If so, congratulations, you can go to the next lesson. If not? Well. I dunno. North Dublin is seen as, uh, less economically advantageous than the rest of the county. Hoodlum youths have developed a nasally, slack-jawed, word-replaced speech that is entirely their own. A "Looper" is an energetic person. A "Fookin loi'weigh' " is a person who cannot drink much alcohol without getting drunk. The list goes on. That's an entry for another day.

South Dublin Accent
This is known as the "posh" version of the Dublin dialect. Should be spoken with lots and lots and lots of "like"'s and all those other California-type speech impediments, and with stiff cheeks. Change all "A"'s with "O"'s so it sounds like you're looking down on everyone. All the time. Congatulations, you sound like a total tool. Or should I say: Oh My Gowd, roysh. You, loike, totally sound loike a complete and otter benny, man. Loike, you have neuw oidea!

Aaaaand you're set! You have passed the Extrapolated Cynicism Irish Language Specifics Alteration Course (Series One, Book One, Chapter One, Lesson One).
Feel free to print out this certificate and stop being so racist to Irish people.
Or, at the very least, be a better racist.
 . . .
Pic is here.

That's all roysh now. Now go and, loike, go do something oi doin't even, y'know, even caire about, loike. . .  


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