AAAAAAARGHOHMYGAWDIMLATETHEWORDWILLEND IFIDONTUPDATEMYSHITTYMINDLESSPIECEOF INTERNETSELFINDULGENCEAAAAAAA!!!!

Aw man! I can't believe it's an entire day late! How many loyal fans have I crushingly dissappointed by my absence!
(checks pageview counter)
 . . . none. . . maybe one or two. . .
I can't tell if I'm depressed or relieved.
I'll go with deprieved. I am very deprieved right now.
Mainly because "repressed" is already taken. 


Maybe I'm just irritated and dispondant.
Irrispondant? I guess I'm feeling a little irrispondant right now. 


Or maybe I'm just feeling repressed and incapable.
That would make me . . . 
 . . . 
Actually, no. I'm not repressed and incapable


 . . .


And now for something completely different:


Music Reviews!
If some 25-year-old raging dickweed with an Arts Degree can do it, so can I!


Coldplay:
"Like listening to wallpaper." I cannot take credit for that quote. I also can't promote it enough. It's just perfect.
You can have nice wallpaper, though.


Dragonforce:
Listening feels like a workout at the gym. Difficult, requiring concentration, and generally only for the dedicated. You can work up a bit of a sweat, too.


Owl City:
He obviously wakes up every morning, writes down whatever happened in his crazy-ass dreams, and uses  them as lyrics. Listening is like having pink cotton wool stuffed in your ears.


Linkin Park:
Like listening to the colour black. And all the boring sameyness that goes with a single colour. Can be used as hormone therapy to counteract the effects of chronic outbursts of "joy".


Daft Punk:
Sounds like the noise a computer would make if it could orgasm. A sexy-lady-type computer, too. Not one of those horrible fat windows '95 things.


Ke$ha:
@@%^%$$£$££$"gjkleGEG%&*((!!{};;];GKHHKAAAAAAASAAAAAAAAAAAGH!


 . . . 
Finally, in a segment you've all come to recognise as shameless phoning-it-in . . . 


Crappy Names! The Third And Final Chapteruntilwemakeanotheronetocashin.

Joe Mama

Auntie Semytick

Auntie Semyte

Beattie "Bea" Oich

Ivan Ichisak

Moe Ronn

Ben Dover (no, wait. That one's already been done)

Minnie Hooters

Hans Jobb

Jess Innma-Pans

Aiden Abettin

 . . . 

Fuck. That's it. I'm all out. Go through the suggestions page of your YouTube homepage until you find an awesome new band or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Where the quality of the content is directly proportional to my pageview count!

Ok.
Seriously.
There's a little world map in the "stats" page of the blog update screen.


It's getting weirder by the day.
I started this blog as a kind of undirected brain fart to make sproadic dissertations to my friends on the melancholy I feel for the universe.
To extrapolate on the points of my cynicism, if you will.



How the hell did people in Indonesia come to read it?


 . . .
Music
    -Oontz Oontz Oontz music


1) Crying Soul - Bounc3



2) Beginning Of Time - DJ Nate



3) Children Of The Sandstorm - Kelvin



4) Pjanoo - Eric Prydz



5) Ghosts 'n' Stuff - Deadmou5

 . . .






BONUS ROUND! (Because five songs of raping Mozart's corpse is just never enough)



. . .
That's your lot for this week. Now go smoke a joint or something . . .

Your one stop shop for unflinching advice on relationships, friendships, and battleships!

(The picture this week is of a shapeshifter lost in the woods. Its for a group project thing I've joined on DeviantArt. Because shut up, it's my blog and it's awesome.)
 . . . 
Are you befuddled and transfused with all the new linguistical terms being thrown around on the fast-moving world of the internet in recent daytimes? Well be craniaddled no more friendio! 
The good people person at Extrapolated Cynicism is here to "help"!
(We I am required by law to place inverted commas around the word "help" when used in this context. This is after what we I shall refer to only as "The Dyslexic Tnuc Incident".) 
We I have compiled a brief "Internetspeak 101" list to "help" you comprestand the leetnoobs of the current degeneration!


Blography: The school subject of studying and writing in a digital media format.
Points are awarded on the basis of Creativity, Speed, Amount, Design, Premise, and Popularity. 
The ability to actually write anything compelling or even legible is purely optional.


Count Blogula: a mythical figurein the food critic world of blogging. Famous for dark, edgy, biting restaurant reviews, he only types in the dead of night. Legend has it that clicking any links containing the words "Holy", "Garlic", or "Steak" can cause him to write a rash, raw, screaming blog post that can cause you to faint, and cause you to become helpless but to convert to his way of thinking.


Bloggerrific: A positive adjective used to describe something that is: A) Worthy of a blog post of at least 1000 words, or B) A blog post that causes such eclectic delight in the reader that it causes a minor anuerysm that results in at least three "lol"s (or four if you're using the imperial system). or C) Cats.


Blogological Attachment: The unnatural need a writer has to update their blog on a regular basis, even if they have no material to update with.


Anablogic Steroids: Any substance used to create enormous blog posts with no real clue of what they're doing. E.g. Twelve photos of the same cat in the same position. 


Inblogniac: A blogger who posts all day, every day, often erratically and with a shakey grip on reality, with no discernable breaks for sleep.


Blog Me A River (shortened to BMAR): When a blog post is nothing more then a useless, crybaby dissertation on a subject little or no people care about.


Blognostic: A person who is open to the idea of blogging, but will not start until they have been given valid reason, motivation, encouragement, and a few hard kicks up the arse for good measure.
 . . . 
This concludishes our my exposaction to "help" you in your advenships into the Blogosphere. 


Good Blarg!
 . . . 
That's all the dillywagging marksplanation for now. Go and read some Esperanto or somestuff . . . 

Stuff you should look up: It's everything you've ever dreamed of . . . by which I mean it's nonsensical and probably a little bit retarded.

If, sorry, When I rule the world, writing blogs will be a teachable subject in secondary schools. Something like a sub-module in English class.


And I shall call it Blography.


 . . .


Music
   -Irish (sort of)


In honour of the recent birthday of a Mr. S. T.  Patrick, I'd like to make today's syslu a little more cultural.


I only said "a little", mind you.


 . . .
Y'know what's cool?
If you go to the youtube page of each of these songs (by just clicking on them) and type in "listento" before the word "youtube" in the address bar, you go to a site where you can download them.
(hint hint)


1) Rocky Road To Dublin - sung by The High Kings



2) I'm Shipping Up To Boston - The Dropkick Murphys (as Irish as hot dogs, I know, but it's still great)



3) Boondock Saints Theme (The Blood Of Cuchulainn) by Mychael Danna



4) The Oldest Swinger In Town - The Druids feat. Diarmuid O' Leary



5) Cloud Song/Riverdance - Bill Whelan

(say what you like about Flatley, the man had talent!)
 . . .
There, that's it for now. Now go do a little jig or something . . .

If an octopus has three hearts . . . doesn't that make it three times more likely to have a heart attack?

Fuck.

Blog Day.

I've got nothing to say.

and I'm drunk.

Great. 

(sigh) Time to go through the "bottom of the barrel" known as . . . 

(shudder)

 . . . drafted blog posts. Things that were never meant to see the light of day, and still cry out "killll meeeee" as I scroll past them. What follows are the abominations which not even I thought worthy of putting on the internet for the viewing public. That's how bad I feel about posting this.

Fuck it. Think of it as a blooper reel.

 . . . 

Trouble thinking of ideas during a game of Never Have I Ever or Truth Or Dare? 

Simply bring up this web page! On the other hand, actually be original and think of something yourself. What the hell are you doing looking stuff up during a drinking game, anyway, ya sad bastard?!?

I Dare . . . 

I dare you to let me go through your laptop history! (I actually plan to use this the next chance I get!)

I dare you to show us any and all piercings you have!

^^^^^ repeat but with tattoos

Never . . . 

Never have I ever been in a car accident (I know one friend who would have to down their drink and then some for this!)

Never have I kissed a member of the same sex

Never have I been in the mile-high-club

Never have I ever had facebook chat open in one browser tab, and porn in another.

Never have I ever seen a close relative naked.

Never have I been regional/national champion in any competition

 . . . 

Competition time!

Think of a punchline to this joke set-up:

Three lemons and a melon walk into a bar . . . .

Go! Leave your answer in a comment! Betcha can't!

 . . . 

Ugh. Well that was painful. Granted, not as painful as my headache tomorrow morning. ZING!-oh man it hurts to zing already.


That's a wrap. Now go play Xbox or something . . . 

Stuff you should look up: If at first you don't succeed, . . . give up.

If you jump on a bandwagon that tells you not to give away personal details. . .

 . . . then "fall off the wagon" . . .

 . . . does that make you an alcoholic anonymous?

 . . . 

Music

  - Novelty

1) Horse Outside - The Rubberbandits

2) John Williams Is The Man - Corey Vidal and Moosebutter
(Note: Go to the Youtube page, click the "Interactive Transcript" Button below the video. Set it to the second English option. Hilarious.)

3) I Just Had Sex - The Lonely Island

4) Rugby - Dead Cat Bounce

5) The Elements - Tom Lehrer

 . . .


Bonuuuuuuuus Round!





 . . . 
Fin.

I'd be lying if I said I was a courageous hero of free speech . . . or a giant, sentient ice cream.

Ok, seriously lads, it's a bit weird some of the results the stats page of the blog is showing. Could the regular readers of the blog leave a comment or something, because the more pageviews I'm getting from Russia, the less secure I feel in what I say.


 . . .


In other news: GUEST SPOTS!


That's right, lucky readers! I am giving YOU the chance to have your say on one of literally the most prestigeous website about random shit that pops into my head! What an honour!
You can write about whatever you want, complete with your own spelling errors!


All it takes is to send in your Blog Post, complete with joke name, place and occupation to the email address that comes up (minus the "mailto:" part) when you hover the mouse pointer over the "email" hyperlink under the "Contact" field when you click to see my profile on the right hand side of the blog.


Yes, I could just put the email address here, but that would be too easy, wouldn't it?


There's no real time limit. How about whenever? Is whenever good for you?


(Management reservs the right to take the piss in footnotes and/or editorial style comments.)
(I really would like to see people taking part in this. C'mon. Give it a go. It can't be worse than some of the backup material I have saved in the drafts folder, trust me!)


 . . . 


And Now back to our regularly-scheduled fuckupery.


New Smileys Wot I Just Made Up!

/: €   -- The Jamie Hyneman

/: - /    - - - The skeptic

% X  - - - I'm gonna throw up . . .

fdbskhfusduuuuuuuuuuuuu - - - I did throw up . . . on the keyboard . . .

(: R  - - - I am sticking my tongue out because an dart has pinned it to my lip

d : B - - - The cap-wearing buck-toothed redneck

8===D - - - The shovel / spade

8===D---   - - - The shovel / spade digging a trench / drill for potatoes

: 9 - - - I find this cuisine adequate to my exquisite tastes

: {   - - - El moustachio magnifico

:^   - - - I am a bird. How am I typing this? I lack the necessary cognitive functions to read and decipher human language.

#_#  - - - I am so goddamned tired right now.

'~'   - - - I find that questionable. (I think you're a lying cunt!)

 . . . 

That's your lot for now. Now go find El Dorado under the couch or something . . . 

Stuff you should look up: Where The Mild Things Are

I only hate 3 things in this world:
 - People who list everything and make their previous significance meaningless be placing them on the same level as other things which have no right to be connected to them in any emotional sense.
 - People who can't count.


With that in mind, here's this week's list of S.y.s.l.u.!


 . . .


Music
  -Rock


1) Monster by Skillet



2) Riot by Three Days Grace



3) Burn It To The Ground by Nickleback



4) Clapton Is God by Michael Angelo Batio



5) I Will Not Bow by Breaking Benjamin



 . . . 




BONUS FUCKIN ROUND MUTHAFUCKAAAAAAASSSS!!!!!!!1!!! (didn't see that comin', did ya? Straight outta left field: Boom!)



 . . .
That's all for this Sunday. Now go and get hammered drunk or something . . .

For your own safety, please ignore most of the buttons and icons on screen. They came with the template and I am not a fucking code monkey.

ONE THOUSAND PAGEVIEWS BITCHES!!!!*  **  ***  ****


*Many of those would be people who use stumbleupon, thereby robbing their visit to my site of any merit on my part. And according to the magic of tracker cookies and cloud computing, none of them even pressed the "Like It!" button . . .


**Several others have been brought here brought here by google image search after I used images in my posts which came from other sources. Sources which actually owned the rights to said images.


***The Blog Stats page says the blog keeps getting views from Russia, South Korea, China, and Australia. Who the heck are you people? Seriously, it's really been bugging me. Am I on your government's watch list?


****I also never knew spam bots could plant view data, causing unsuspecting blog owners to think that someone over at OnliNeViAgraPiLl.com was actually reading their stuff, causing them to download near-fatal viruses into every crevice and orifice of my lapto- I mean their laptop. But there ya go!


  . . . 
And now: Terrible Names Part Deux!!!

Nick Cater. (as in I have a package for-Nick-Cater)

Anyone from the chinese family Suk:

Yu Suk

Ai Suk

Dik Suk etc. etc. etc.

Hugh G. Rection

Brian Joseph Lipps

Shay Venn

Ray D. O' Hachtibh

Sibhe Crabbes

Beattie "Bhean" Jacks

Willie Fiddler

Willie Stroker

 . . . just don't name your kid "Willie" is all . . . 

 . . . 

And now for something from my life. Anyone who knows me knows I do archery. They should also know that I'm not very good at it. They should also know that I was national champion in my catagory in two competitions last year. They should also know about my crippling self-worth issues.

Anyway, I'm in Holland working. Sorry, "working" in air-quotes the size of the sense of self-righteousness your typical deep-south american will get when you say "Surely 9-11 wasn't that bad?"

And I've finally found an archery club. I figured there'd be a bit of an issue getting to shoot, what with insurance and all the stupid hassle I went though to shoot in Ireland. At least a few forms to fill out.

They had me fill in my details, pay 30 euro for six months membership, and said away I go.

Now I know that it's not a competition-centric club like back home, but on one hand, this is a pretty awesome way to run a club. There's a good few trophies over the bar (did I not mention the bar that serves throughout the training sessions?) and I just walk in and started shooting.

On the other hand, I could be a fucking serial killer. . . . .actually, scratch that. I have in no way the patience, planning or gravitas to pull off being a serial killer. These guys are pretty cool

Anyhoo. Next stop, 2000 pageviews!!!!

 . . . 

Thats it for now, now gimmie all your money and nobody needs to get hurt or something . . .