The music industry machine: I am the spanner in the works! . . . wait, that sounded wrong . . .

So if something is logical, then it works on logic, right?


Then if something is illogical, then it works on . . .


 . . . illogic? I 'unno.


 . . .


In an effort to "keep up with the kids" as my agent calls it (and by agent I mean the plasic smurf on my bedside table) I fimly believe that the true voice of a generation lies with its musicians.


With this in mind, I decided to give my honest opinions (as if I can give any other) on the latest releases in the music charts according to http://www.billboard.com/new-releases . (Note that these all appear to have been released as part of albums previously or something, but these are the single releases. Also, I'm typing in real time. Because I'm hardcore like that.)


So, once more unto the breach, dear friends. I'm just going outside and may be some time. Some other third quote where the speaker dies straight afterwards.


1) The Kickback - Cali Swag District
While the first half minute of this is, I swear to god, unintelligible, and the beat borrowed from 1993, this doesn't seem like too bad a song. . . 
Until about 3 minutes in when the guy who appears not to have hit puberty yet starts to, and I say this with inverted commas the size of skyscrapers; "rap". I don't know where the power drill in my hands suddenly appeared from, but I barely managed to stop myself self-lobotomising before the song ended.
Score: 1-star.


2) Neon - Chris Young
Ok, straight off the bat. "Young" is completely misleading. Was not expecting this. At all. Actually liking it more as I listen to it. . . . . . aaaaand now I'm bored. 
Ok, so with a song and artist name like that, I admit I'm typing this on the fly, I'm really pleasantly surprised. Nice to hear someone with talent and musical ability, albeit a bit lacking in passion.
But hearing me say stuff is good is no fun. Next!


3) Gold Cobra - Limp Bizkit
Nnnnnngggggggggetawayfrommepowerdrill! Shit. I used to like these guys? What the hell do hormones do to people to make this crud sell? There was literally nothing memorable about this song, video, or experience.
Then again, the video does have some nice, bouncy boobs.
Oooh. Right. That's what hormones do. Excuse me a moment.


4) Attention Please - Boris
Oh. One of these songs. I know the type. Artistic songs. Said in the same way one would describe a particularly flatulent member of a crowd in a stuck lift-5-Jesus-tapdancing-minutes?!?? I know exactly how to deal with this *clicks next* The next one better be a helluva lot better than that. Then again, it'd be pretty hard to go lower than that monotone, dreary, mumbly crap.


5) Greyson Chance - Hold on 'til the Night
(throws headphones away) No. Just no. Fuck that sugar-pop shit for a game of monopoly. Fuck this. This was a terrible idea. I'm going to retreat back into my comfort zone of video game soundtracks now. Bye.

 . . .
I just realised I'm giving these tools more publicity. Curses! You win again music industry! (shakes fist at sky, twirls moustache and flies away in a blimp.)


That's all this time. Go listen to some decent music or something . . .