Proof that there is no God: Getting splashed by a passing car on a rainy day.

Common phrases I never get: 
"I'll be in the last place you look." - Of course it will. If I find it, why the hell would I keep looking?
"More things than you can shake a stick at." - What? Is this some retarded folk saying that somehow survived the test of time to be handed down to modern generations? I challenge you to find something that is so numerous that I somehow fail to make stick-shaking motions in it's direction. Cos it's not as hard as you seem to think it is.
"Smile! It might never happen." - Hey! Guess what! If I'm ticked off, chances are it already has. And your overly-chipper approach to the situation is making it a damn side worse.
"It's a small world!" - No. No it isn't.
 . . .
Somebody get me a hard-hat! I think. . . hold on, wait a tick . . . I think . . . yeah, I'm pretty sure it's . . . I think I'm getting an idea.
Now just bear with me here. Just hold on now, because I've got some pretty weird thought processes going on here. Uh. It's coming. It's on the tip of my frontal lobe. It's. . . I think. . . it's . . . 
 . . . 
What was I talking about again?
 . . . 
Oh, yeah, the idea!
OK, so here it is.
 . . . 
Are you ready?
 . . . 
Are you sure?
 . . . 
You might want to order a new interior designer ahead of time because this will, in all likelihood, blow your mind. It may cause you to spontaneously paint the wall immediately behind you a very disgusting colour.  
 . . . 
OK? 
 . . .
This is it!
 . . . 
For realsies this time.
 . . . 
Here we go!
 .
 . . 
 . . . 
Crunchy! Nut! Frosties! Crunchy-Nut-Frosties! . . . . . . . . . . . .That is all.
 . . . 
Nope. Wait. False alarm. Wasn't an idea after all. 
Just a brain fart. Never mind.
 . . . 
Wow. Looks like it's time for our new annual cold snap here in Ireland. 
It is sooo cold here. (This is the bit where you say "How cold is it???")
 . . . 
You didn't say it!
 . . . 
Anyways, it's so cold,
 - My clothes have frost bite. I had to amputate my coat with a circular saw after walking into college.
 - I can't even bring myself to take my hands out of my jeans pockets to change the song on my iPod (sitting in my hoodie). I mean, the Kaiser Chiefs? What in god's name was i thinking? Their entire album could have their lyrics printed on the back of a playing card. Its just that repetitive.
 - Yo dawg, that weather's so cold yo girlfriend wuz out sunbathin' in it. Fo' realzies muthafucka!
 . . .
I guess that's a wrap. Go and make something with a rock, paper and some sticky tape. I did. Turns out I suck at making stuff.