Well, after my last post read like a desperate cry for attention, lets try a different approach.. . .
You see, I'm currently having a bit of a mental crisis, where i find that everything I say and do is being profoundly affected by chemicals acting in my bloodstream.
I'm currently experiencing what experts refer to as: an emotion.
Even more worryingly, I may even be happy.
Unfortunately there seems to be no cure for happiness short of repeated head trauma, and the symptoms can only be temporarily alleviated by copius amounts of The Cure, health foods or watching the news (so long as you avoid human-interest stories).
Those symptoms can include light-headedness, increased appetite and Katy Perry. All of these are dangerous on their own, but together they can be fatal (or at least really, really, really annoying).
Happiness is highly contagious, and carriers should be separated from healthy, depressed people and quarentined in special theatres where they will be shown a selection of movies including Schindlers List, Requiem for a Dream, Million Dollar Baby and any movie by Nicholas Sparks (of The Notebook fame).
Should you find yourself experiencing symptoms of happiness, simply remember the three "R"'s: Remember that all life is fleeting, no matter good a moment might feel,
Realise you are nothing but a liability to everyone you have ever known, and a walking, consuming wallet to everyone you haven't
Refuse to acknowledge anyone elses existance in this miserable life.
You should find yourself back to being a numb, jaded and obedient little drone almost immediately.
. . .
This message is brought to you by The Mass Media, The Hysterical Dipshit Minority, The Conservative Government, The Alliance of Advertising Executives, and Religeon.
. . .
Now go have a Kit-Kat or something . . .
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