For extra comedic value, please imagine this is being read in the vocal style of Frankie Boyle!

UPDAAAAATE! Do I have your attention now? . . . Why the hell would I even ask that question? You're just theoretical readers of this piece. I'm just angrily typing this in an empty room, expelling my thoughts to people who may be mere figments of my imagination . . . . . . . . Imagine a porn film. Don't lie, you know exactly what to imagine. Now replace the actors with your grandparents. . . yep, good luck with that mental image. All the positions (ALL of them), and the cliche sticky finish. Now for the punchline: They've done that. Yep. Just because you don't think about your grandparents sex life doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They're probably doing it . . . right . . . now! Probably on the table you ate off the last time you were there.
. . .
There. If that last paragraph has no real-world consequences, I can without a doubt assume that my blogs readers have no physical form, and exist as what scientist-bloggers (or "Blogentists") would call "potential readers" or "readers that have yet to occur", and everything I say on this will have absolutely no effect on my life. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and clean out the inside of my head with a Brillo pad and bleach. Be right back.
. . .
Well that was painful, and yet not as painful as the thoughts everyone who read that will be having for the rest of the day. Including me.
Is this the bit where I actually have to talk about stuff? Aw crap. Do I talk about being a mildly intelligent middle-class citizen who has become so jaded with not having to work for anything that he feels the need to become a raging sociopath and blame it on his environment when he inevitably abandons every drop of identity that he thought he once had just for a chance at becoming one of the happy sheeple? How he wishes that some kind of deep emotional event would happen in his life just to give him the drive to get off his lazy ass and actually do something?
Something that would give him self esteem?
Something that would make him interesting?
Something that would make him feel Alive!!??!?!!?!!*&%^$)£!!!!????
. . .
Naw, lets not talk about that, that'd be stupid.
Now go and sing a song while walking down the street or something.