A woodchuck can chuck 48.4 kg of wood, now stop asking!

Well, after my last post read like a desperate cry for attention, lets try a different approach.
. . .
You see, I'm currently having a bit of a mental crisis, where i find that everything I say and do is being profoundly affected by chemicals acting in my bloodstream.
I'm currently experiencing what experts refer to as: an emotion.
Even more worryingly, I may even be happy.
Unfortunately there seems to be no cure for happiness short of repeated head trauma, and the symptoms can only be temporarily alleviated by copius amounts of The Cure, health foods or watching the news (so long as you avoid human-interest stories).
Those symptoms can include light-headedness, increased appetite and Katy Perry. All of these are dangerous on their own, but together they can be fatal (or at least really, really, really annoying).
Happiness is highly contagious, and carriers should be separated from healthy, depressed people and quarentined in special theatres where they will be shown a selection of movies including Schindlers List, Requiem for a Dream, Million Dollar Baby and any movie by Nicholas Sparks (of The Notebook fame).
Should you find yourself experiencing symptoms of happiness, simply remember the three "R"'s: Remember that all life is fleeting, no matter good a moment might feel,
Realise you are nothing but a liability to everyone you have ever known, and a walking, consuming wallet to everyone you haven't
Refuse to acknowledge anyone elses existance in this miserable life.
You should find yourself back to being a numb, jaded and obedient little drone almost immediately.
. . .
This message is brought to you by The Mass Media, The Hysterical Dipshit Minority, The Conservative Government, The Alliance of Advertising Executives, and Religeon.
. . .
Now go have a Kit-Kat or something . . .

For extra comedic value, please imagine this is being read in the vocal style of Frankie Boyle!

UPDAAAAATE! Do I have your attention now? . . . Why the hell would I even ask that question? You're just theoretical readers of this piece. I'm just angrily typing this in an empty room, expelling my thoughts to people who may be mere figments of my imagination . . . . . . . . Imagine a porn film. Don't lie, you know exactly what to imagine. Now replace the actors with your grandparents. . . yep, good luck with that mental image. All the positions (ALL of them), and the cliche sticky finish. Now for the punchline: They've done that. Yep. Just because you don't think about your grandparents sex life doesn't mean it doesn't exist. They're probably doing it . . . right . . . now! Probably on the table you ate off the last time you were there.
. . .
There. If that last paragraph has no real-world consequences, I can without a doubt assume that my blogs readers have no physical form, and exist as what scientist-bloggers (or "Blogentists") would call "potential readers" or "readers that have yet to occur", and everything I say on this will have absolutely no effect on my life. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and clean out the inside of my head with a Brillo pad and bleach. Be right back.
. . .
Well that was painful, and yet not as painful as the thoughts everyone who read that will be having for the rest of the day. Including me.
Is this the bit where I actually have to talk about stuff? Aw crap. Do I talk about being a mildly intelligent middle-class citizen who has become so jaded with not having to work for anything that he feels the need to become a raging sociopath and blame it on his environment when he inevitably abandons every drop of identity that he thought he once had just for a chance at becoming one of the happy sheeple? How he wishes that some kind of deep emotional event would happen in his life just to give him the drive to get off his lazy ass and actually do something?
Something that would give him self esteem?
Something that would make him interesting?
Something that would make him feel Alive!!??!?!!?!!*&%^$)£!!!!????
. . .
Naw, lets not talk about that, that'd be stupid.
Now go and sing a song while walking down the street or something.

Must . . . update . . . must . . . feed . . . ego . . .

Looking over at my long-unused playstation 2, an article I read not too long ago seems to ring truer and truer. The article made the accusation that there are simply too many good games coming out. This particular writer listed out a good 30+ games that he desperately wanted too finish, yet knew he never would.
If you'll just suffer with me for just a bit, I'll get to the funny in a bit.
I still want to finish: FFX, MGS3, Persona 4, Odin Sphere, LittleBigPlanet, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and the entire Half Life series. . . oh dear jeebus. I've just had a frightening thought. I could've finished so much of that instead of playing Final Fantasy XIII. Well, fuckbuckets. Excuse me a moment . . .
dfgvhjnmk
There, now I feel a little better and have the shape of a keyboard imprinted in my face. The two may be related. Hold on while I reattach the letter . . . *y*. There we go.
Moving swiftly on from that literally painful revelation, I've just thought of a game to play. Its called "Make your own 9 levels of hell" and I would explain the rules but then I'd just be repeating myself. This is as interesting as it is not-ripped-off-Tim-Buckley.
Level 1) - People under the age of 50 who wear socks with sandals - We start with the fairly light offences. Socks are used to keep feet warm. Sandals are used to keep feet cold. Older people do it because sandals are easier to put on. Use your head. Punishment: Footwear and clothes replaced with sacking cloth or coarse wool. Now your clothes annoy you as much as they annoy other people.
Level 2) - People with no imagination. Punishment: Access to all the primetime comedy TV series' DVD box sets in the world (Friends and such crap) and a broken DVD player. Actually, on second thoughts, I should've just changed the title of this level to "People who like Friends.
Level 3) - Health Nutjobs. Note, I have nothing against people who try to stay healthy. I am one. This is reserved for those who think soaking your socks in vinegar can cure cancer, and Indian charms can stave off headaches. Punishment: Trapped at an all-you-can-eat buffet where all the tastes are reversed. Unhealthy foods taste great and vice versa. . . so just like real life, but taken to the extreme.
Level 4) - People who purposly drink to excess at partys. Punishment: Permenant sobriety at Valhalla, but every morning you still wake up with a migraine and a girl called Bill.
Level 5) - People who complain about their feelings. ("Nobody understands me" "You don't know what it's like") Punishment: Easy, trapped in a room with everyone who is exactly the same as them, everyone reverted back to their puberty years. Wearing shirts that show their innermost thoughts.
Level 6) - People who don't understand consequences. ("I do sit-ups before going to McD's, why am I not thin?") Punishment: They are given a puppy/kitten, that will, despite thier best efforts, die young.They must then stuff the corpse themselves if they wish to get another.
Level 7) - People who tell others their beliefs are wrong and theirs are right. Punishment: Flying-Spaghetti-Monster heaven. Or hell I suppose. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=flying+spaghetti+monster)
Level 8) - People who refuse to step out of their comfort zone. Punishment: Forced to watch videos of people on earth having fun doing new things, while all they have is the game: Pong, stuck on 2-player mode, alone.
Level 9) - PEOPLE. WHO. WON'T. STOP. QUOTING. FUCKING. BORAT. Punishment: Trapped in an enormous movie theatre that reruns and explicit version of the nude scene. Forever. While moustachioed men gnaw off their genitals.
. . .
Why does this always end up a rant? I'm really trying hard not to go down that route.
There, I'm done, now go finish a video game you haven't played in years or something.