The Vacationator!

Away for the next week.
Unable to work out how the scheduling function on this thing works.
Can only speak in sentence fragments.
That is all.
Toodles.
 . . .
This PSA was sponsored by the Irish Emigration Service.
"Because go and mooch off of some other country for a while!"

In which I try to make a point . . . all over your mum's face!

Right. It's been ages since I last made a post about anything specific. Or relevant. Or, I don't know, sensible.
So I have decided to address you, the many fine readers of this now possibly world-famous blography, about my Christmas holidays. Feel free to imagine me wearing a deep red smoking jacket, seated in a wing back chair in front of a roaring fire, occasionally sipping from a glass of fine port. It will certainly elevate me in your minds from the terrible, tortured, unshaven, misshapen, possibly-chocolate-stained jabba the hutt that is my existence.

Imagine this, but with glasses and a bitchin' hat.

So, anyway, readers, how was your Christmas?
Uh huh . . . 
Yeah . . .
Ha! Seriously? . . . 
No, really, keep talking. I can totally hear you through the screen, dumpass. Leave a comment.
Anyway, back to the important subject at hand: Me, my Ego (fully deserving of the capital letter) and the vigorous repeated stroking thereof to let forth glorious, sporadic and breathless bursts of brilliance. Straight into your eyes.

Picture unrelated.

My Christmas was pretty shit. Not the family, or the horrible weather, or the work, or the loneliness.
It was the presents. But not even the presents themselves. It was the process behind the presents that pissed me off.
You ever hear the phrase "It's the thought that counts"? Well this situation was the opposite. No one had a clue what to get me, so they just threw in a tried-and-trusted, can't-really-complain sort of gift. Like chocolate. Or a swift kick to the throat.
My presents were as follows:
2 Hoodies,
A DVD that I had seen already,
A Belt that I had asked for,
€20 voucher for Newbridge Shopping Centre,
Money.
From "Santa" in all his wonderful, obese, all-knowing glory, I was given: Socks and a box of flash cards with "Interesting Facts" on them.
Now these, you will agree were not bad presents. I didn't even have to fake smile! I didn't even get a book, which was nice, considering the last three years have yielded about 30 books in total. I read them all. The parents insisted I couldn't use them as toilet paper or kindling until I did.
The problem is that I'm not out of contact with these people. Every time I meet them, they always say "How's the archery?" or "You're dong some designery course, aren't you?"

Eh. Fuck it, close enough.

So they know that I enjoy: 
Archery,
Design, in a nonspecific sense,
Computer Games,
Music,
Food,
and the fact that I'm leaving in less than a month to go to the continent for a few months of work experience.
How many of those gifts fall into any of those categories? Certainly I enjoy wearing clothes. Money is always welcome. A twenty quid voucher to a place I've never been to, in a country I won't be back in until a few months before it expires, whereafter I will be at the opposite end of the country, not so much.
I realise it is hard to buy gifts for people my age, but come on! Was "He enjoys not having cold, wet feet" really the best they could think of?
I realise I appear petty and childish here, but all I'm asking is that, the next time you go out shopping for a present. Think. What do you know about this person? If this still draws a blank, then just ask someone who does know. An thoughtful, educated guess that's way off will always be much better received than a lucky stab in the dark. (Incidentally, stabs in the dark are almost never well-received as presents).
 . . . 
Fuck it. I'm done. See ya next time. Go fb message a friend or something . . . 
Craig out.

Warning! Hazardous! Aim Blog Away From Face!

How to make old movies more accessible to the new generation:
Here's where I suggest Disney and Pixar should start:
 . . . 
The Little Spermaid
The Lady who was a total Tramp
Snow White Trash and the Seven Dwarfs
Your Wildest Fantasia
Alice in Anal Wonderland
Who F**ked Roger Rabbit?
Robin Hood and his merry man-whores
Sleeping Beauty (a story about roofies)
The Jungle Fuck.
The Aristocunts
The Lion Kink.
Porkahontas
Gettin' Freaky Friday.
Sex Toy Story.
The Emperor's New Lube.
Lilo and Snatch.
The Insatiables.
Megan Fox and the Hound (banned in most countries outside central Asia)
anything starring Donald Dick.
 . . . 
Then theres the ones that don't need to be changed. They have triple-x names all by themselves.
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
The Rescuers go Down Under
 . . . 
The worst part is that I've a feeling most of these have already been done. (No. I'm not going to go find out.)
Did I miss any?
 . . .
And what is the deal with airline food? (cue recorded American laughter a.k.a. a noise that can only be described as "outrageous guffaws", and leaves you feeling as idiotic as the word "guffaw")
But really, why is it that the only time I really want to have ice cream is when it's fucking freezing outside? I get the association with cold weather and cold food that a brain numbed by sub-zero temperatures and a diet regular only in its unhealthiness, but why do I walk in from a blizzard and suddenly think that an iceburger is the thing that would really hit the spot right now.
I have sensitive teeth and everything! I bite into it, step outside, and it feels like I've been teabagged by Jack Frost.
 . . .
(cue outrageous guffaws) Shut up!
 . . .
World's Worst Names:
Ray Sissd.
Peter File.
Richard Heade.
Ben Dover.
Mary Hancock. (look up Spoonerism)
Cupid Stunt. (also Spoonerism)
Ivana Goda-de-Bafrum.
Mr. Bation.
Mike Hunt
Olive Dixon-Meahe.
Noah Shitte. 
Noah Shitte after he remarried to a woman who wanted a double-barrel name, making him Noah Shitte-Sherlock.
. . . 
One of those above is a real person I went to school with.
 . . . 
That's all. Now go and leave a comment about how awesome I am or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: I'll stop when Madonna acts her age!

And now, presenting:
The Maestro of Mediocrity,
The Aristotle of Average,
The Michelangelo of Meh,
The King of the Kan't-Do Attitude,
The Lord of Laziness,
The Earl of Easily Entertained,
The Outstanding Winner of Outstaying Welcomes . . .
 . . . Thiiiiiiiiis Guyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
 . . .
Music
  -Old Rock Anthems


1) You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet - Bachman Turner Overdrive

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7miRCLeFSJo


2) Crazy Crazy Nights - Kiss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6gaS9wrtM4


3) Black Betty - RamJam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMLnDuzgkjo


4) Poison - Alice Cooper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4sT54IEORII


5) Bat Outta Hell - Meatloaf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9hLcRU5wE4


 . . . 


Bonus Round!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw6_VXPwm6U


That's it for this week. Go leave a comment or something . . .

A fully loaded Uzi 9 mm of well-balanced opinions!

Things can always get worse. This is an iron-clad rule we must all learn the hard way.

Examples?

 . . .

Bad Luck: Finding a worm in your apple.

Worse Luck: Finding evidence that a worm may have been making residence in the apple which you just ate.

Bad Karma Overload: The apple is a grenade.

Bad Luck: Getting caught out in heavy rain.

Worse Luck:  . . . while a mile away from home with a dead mobile phone, unable to call for help.

Bad Karma Overload: . . . when you're a snowman.

Bad Luck: Realising you've missed a deadline.

Worse Luck: Realising you've missed a final exam.

Bad Karma Overload: Realising you've missed out on all the opprtunities for meaningful relationships in your life, and they were all dependant on the exams you missed.

Bad Luck: Getting dumped.

Worse Luck: . . . at the altar.

Bad Karma Overload: . . . because she thought you were a woman all this time.

Bad Luck: A collision between your car and another's.

Worse Luck: . . . which leaves your car with a scratch and none on the other's.

Bad Karma Overload: The scratch is three feet deep and six long. Through the engine.

Bad Luck: You get an illness.

Worse Luck: . . . from a loved one.

Bad Karma Overload: . . . it's terminal, and your lover leaves you for your care nurse.

Bad Luck: Your housemate eats your plate of food in the fridge, they throw half of it away.

Worse Luck:  It's after the nuclear apocalypse. There is no other food around without risking dismemberment by the mutants who live out in the wasteland.

Bad Karma Overload: The food landed on that big ball of fuzzy stuff that came out of the dryer.

Bad Luck: Your house gets robbed.

Worse Luck: The thieves ignore the valuable stuff and take only yours.

Bad Karma Overload: You have no proof of ownership, so you have to buy it back off them over eBay.

Bad Luck: Someone else uses your scissors to cut their hair.

Worse Luck: They have lice.

Bad Karma Overload: They don't have any hair on their head.

Bad Luck: You die the most embarrassing death imaginable. (I'm thinking something involving a sex toy factory and a world leader's summit)

Worse Luck: . . . your death was broadcast live to the whole world, with record-breaking viewing figures.

Bad Karma Overload: . . . after everything else on this list had happened to you earlier in the week.

Karmapocalypse: . . . your birth name is Racistlover McTwinklytits Jr.

 . . . 
Take a guess as to how many of those events have happened to me. I'll give you a clue. It's more than one.
 . . . 
WOOHOO! Over 500 pageviews bitches! Next milestone is 1000!

Wait . . . what the fuck did I write in July? Seriously, I made like, 2 posts that month.
Did I finally get onto an FBI watch list, or what?
 . . . 

That's a wrap for now. Now go watch a movie in bed or something.

Stuff you should look up: Gastric Bypass Edition!

Is it just me, or do the elders of today have no respect for their youths?


 . . . 
Music
  -Video Game 
        -Remixes


All of these are taken from OverClocked ReMix, an excellent website that's been going for a number of years that seems to have become a haven for great music-hobbyists to remix or recreate music from their favourite video games. (Warning: Light Techno and copious amounts of instrumental music ahead)


1) Breakbeat Forest - Original: Big Forest Theme from Kirby's Dream Land 2 (1995)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm4Q17ZM0WQ


2) Guile's Theme (R.A.H. Mix) - Guile Stage from Street Fighter 2 (1991)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjujeJtfP3M


3) Quick Fix - Untitled from Final Doom (1996)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnFLFy2IaC4


4) The Ballad of Sir Kibbles - Dream And Cold Level from Kirby's Adventure (1993)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JVFo7ZBU89U


5) Neon Glaciers - Stage 1: The Glacial Fortress from Omega Five (2008)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYL0ilDmaxs


 . . . 
There's also this one, which didn't quite make the list, but is still pretty awesome in my opinion.
Woo! Finally changed the blog template and got videos to embed properly! Props to me!
That's all. Now go and have a Happy Holiday or something . . .

. . . and now for something completely psychotic . . .

#Dashing through the snow,
Get the fuck out of my way,
O'er their limbs we go,
Laughing histerically all the way!#


#Bells on nooses ring,
hanging bastards high,
O, what fun it is to scream
A SLAYING SONG TONIGHT!#


#Oh, jingle hell, jingle hell,
Crush their heads all day!
Oh what fun, 
I have a gun,
As you try to run away, OH!#


#Mortar shells, violence sells,
Murder Rules O-kay!
I'll blow you scum, 
To kingdom come,
with my big. Fuck. Off. Death. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!#


Merry Xmas! :D