Help! I've been overcome with the most awful feeling! It feels like I'm terribly alone in a world that cares only about my bank balance and that everything I've ever known and loved will eventually be reduced to ashes and forgotten about as soon as my decaying corpse goes cold. It's the feeling that no matter how hard I try, whatever I do will never be quite right, and even if I am satisfied with my actions, I can be sure in the knowledge that there are litereally thousands of other people who could do it better, faster and with less effort than me. The feeling that I am a miserable pawn in a game that not only do I not understand, but am unwelcome in where they dare me to raise my eyes, give to give them even the feelbest excuse before being thrown into the machinations of the cold, unforgiving, unfeeling machine, left to grease the ever-turning wheels of existance with my mushy remnants.
No. Wait. That's just adulthood in general. My bad. Carry on.
. . .
*Looks at a list of top 25 oscar-winning movies of all time*
*Looks at old blog post about turning innocent movie titles into porn movie titles*
*Looks at the list again*
*Looks at the clock*
*Shrugs*
Fuck it. See if you can guess what they are!
Oscar winners as they could have been (if they starred Ron Jeremy)
The Lord of your Ring: Return of the King(ky!)
Cocky
No Cunt-ry for Older Men
The French Infection (A PSA about STDs)
My Fair Fiiiiiiine Lookin' Lady
One Jizzed over the Cuckoo's Chest
The Deer Hunter - A Story About Cougers
The Sound of Music to Get Fucked To
It Happened One Night. And The Night After That. And Every Night After That.
Gone in the Window
Swinger's List
Lawrence of A-Labia
On the Water-Cunt
The RodFather
Her Godfather: Round Two: He's On Parole
Casawanka
the list just goes on and on and on and on . . . .
. . .
. . . so . . . uh . . . jesus, being funny on demand is hard! . . . .
. . . maybe if I just make ironic small talk people will think I'm comfortable with the situation. That normally works in the real world.
So! Stuff, eh? . . . . (wait for laughter) . . .
. . . crap. Doesn't really work in a pure text format where I'm standing on the rickety soap-box of my soul with a megaphone pressed to my lips pandering to a crowd staring at me like a performing monkey. Staring. Always staring. Judging. Waiting for me to make a mistake. To slip up. To ramble on about nothing until all that remains is a horrible feeling of inadiquacy and shame while desperately letting loose all the meandering, infinished bits of thoughts in the futile attempt to save face anAAAUUGHHITSHAPPENINGAGAINSHITCICLESENDTHEBLOGPOSTENDTHEBLOGPOSTENDTHEBLOGPOSTENDTHEBLOGPOSTENDTHEBLOGPOST
. . .
That's the end. Now go discover you're the heir to a long-lot civilisation unwittingly destined to bring about the end of the world and go on an international adventure with a comic-relief best friend and copy-paste hot woman while simultaniously running from a shadowy organised crime syndicate and after a series of increeasingly unlikely coincidences end up on the brink of the collapse of reality only to pull back at the last minute thanks to the stength of the human spirit and the power of friendship while destroying the head of the syndicate but not completely because you still leave a convenient opening for a sequel or something . . .
(p.s.The picture this week is fanart for this webcomic. It's awesome. Click the "==>" a few times to get a sample.
There is words too, just not at that particular bit.)
How to make old movies more accessible to the new generation:
Here's where I suggest Disney and Pixar should start:
. . .
The Little Spermaid
The Lady who was a total Tramp
Snow White Trash and the Seven Dwarfs
Your Wildest Fantasia
Alice in Anal Wonderland
Who F**ked Roger Rabbit?
Robin Hood and his merry man-whores
Sleeping Beauty (a story about roofies)
The Jungle Fuck.
The Aristocunts
The Lion Kink.
Porkahontas
Gettin' Freaky Friday.
Sex Toy Story.
The Emperor's New Lube.
Lilo and Snatch.
The Insatiables.
Megan Fox and the Hound (banned in most countries outside central Asia)
anything starring Donald Dick.
. . .
Then theres the ones that don't need to be changed. They have triple-x names all by themselves.
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
The Rescuers go Down Under
. . .
The worst part is that I've a feeling most of these have already been done. (No. I'm not going to go find out.)
Did I miss any?
. . .
And what is the deal with airline food? (cue recorded American laughter a.k.a. a noise that can only be described as "outrageous guffaws", and leaves you feeling as idiotic as the word "guffaw")
But really, why is it that the only time I really want to have ice cream is when it's fucking freezing outside? I get the association with cold weather and cold food that a brain numbed by sub-zero temperatures and a diet regular only in its unhealthiness, but why do I walk in from a blizzard and suddenly think that an iceburger is the thing that would really hit the spot right now.
I have sensitive teeth and everything! I bite into it, step outside, and it feels like I've been teabagged by Jack Frost.
. . .
(cue outrageous guffaws) Shut up!
. . .
World's Worst Names:
Ray Sissd.
Peter File.
Richard Heade.
Ben Dover.
Mary Hancock. (look up Spoonerism)
Cupid Stunt. (also Spoonerism)
Ivana Goda-de-Bafrum.
Mr. Bation.
Mike Hunt
Olive Dixon-Meahe.
Noah Shitte.
Noah Shitte after he remarried to a woman who wanted a double-barrel name, making him Noah Shitte-Sherlock.
. . .
One of those above is a real person I went to school with.
. . .
That's all. Now go and leave a comment about how awesome I am or something . . .
