Extrapolated Cynicism

Picture Round (i hope) for upcoming table quiz!!!

2011-09-10T14:06:00.000+01:00

Hopefully it'll be used!

Enter your answers below. Or not if you're planning on coming.

Vacationator: Long-overdue-edition!

2011-08-29T19:06:00.002+01:00

So I was at the Bluegrass Festival in Dunmore East in Waterford for the weekend. Hence, no SYSLU.

So here's an owl to make up for it.

2011-08-24T15:16:00.000+01:00

. . .
So just let me get some of this internet slang stuff straight:

"I loled" They're saying: "I Laughed Out LoudED" . . . That's not a real way to use an acronym.
"lulz" They're saying: "Laugh Ut LoudZ" . . . that's not even english.
"rofl" They're saying: "Rolling On Floor Laughing" . . . which would make an english teacher turn to drink
"asl" They're saying: "Age/Sex/Location" . . . NOT as I first assumed, a shorthand way of saying "Asshole"
"g2g" They're saying: "Got "2" Go" . . . which saves all the hassle and bother of typing One Goddamn Letter.
"lmao" They're saying: "Laughing My Ass Off" . . . which always confused me. I mean, where does a phrase like that come from? Is it just hyperbole from a really weird source or did it actually happen one time and someone thought "Actually, I think I'll turn that person's horrible accident into a phrase, which can then be bastardised and overused so that it retains none if its original meaning.
"stfu" No, YOU "steffew".

. . .

Just because I'm such a nice guy and I can't really give you an eye exam over an internet connection, I'm going to check your spoken literacy levels.

Say these OUT LOUD and really fast

"I won a math debate."

"I am sofa king we Todd did."
"Hoof hearted ice melted."

Hurr. I laffed.
. . .

Wanna know some interesting things?

- Your open hand can cover exactly one half of your entire face.

Give it a try now.

. . .

Why the f*ck did you hesitate? You really think I'm going to do that thing where I smack your own hand into your face?
Well, ok, the internet connection between us was the only thing stopping me from doing that.

But seriously, also,

- When you curl your fingers, or make a half-fist, all your fingers point to your thumb.

Weeeird.

. . .
That's the end.

FORTHISWEEK!
Gotcha. Now go do some gardening or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: You'd think I'd have gotten the hang of this by now . . .

2011-08-21T20:12:00.000+01:00

. . .

I got nothin'.

. . .

Seriously, stop looking.

. . .

Nothing to see here

. . .

*whistles*

. . .

*Looks around nervously*

. . .

*Does a little dance*

. . .

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???!?!!!

-kshhhht-

Please hold, we are experiencing minor technical difficulties.

We now return to our regularly scheduled brainfart.

-kshhhht-
. . .
- Webcomics
--Shit which be funny

1) Massive Pwnage

2) Hejibits

3) Doghouse Diaries

4) XKCD

5) Penny Arcade

Oontz + oontz + oontz + single sentence from 20 year old song + endlessly repeated 5 notes = PROFIT

2011-08-16T23:58:00.000+01:00

So on sunday my parents decided to up and leave and go for a trip to Donegal (north of Ireland) for a few days. No real reason, just that my dad was bored and there wasn't really anything goin on on the farm for a while. Harvest not ripe, spuds not ready to be picked, silage already cut etc.

There was only one or two jobs for me to do while me and my sisters are the only ones here, so of course I'm doing sweet fuck all and spending most of my time on the internet.
I play all my games,
I watch videos and play games online,
I chat to all my friends (I'm kinda in an area too rural to go out in, but I'm okay with that, and I spend all day doing my hobbies like drawing, sketching, archery, playing piano, jogging, etc.

You wanna know whats funny?

Last night I went to bed at 11.00 p.m.

Epic Self-Realisation time: I am fucking boring.
. . .
I think I'v a few entries for that http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/ page.

Dear life,
When I asked "What's the worst that could happen?"
That was rhetorical.
Thank you,
Me.

Dear body,
Why is it when I'm trying to go to bed without waking the whole house up, that's the time when you choose to stub yourself on every available surface, trip on nothing, and fall onto a bookshelf?
Just out of interest,
Me.

Dear Internet,
Just.
Just stop.
Seriously.
Please.
With the whole
Just everything.
No?
Not even a little.
Fuck you too.
I didn't need a life anyway.
From
Me.
. . .
That's your crappy little midweek embarressment for now. Go f@# your *%+$ or something . . .

@=l
#=y
*=k
%=i
+=t
$=e
. . .
Pic info here.

Stuff you should look up: Ix-nay on the less-useay!

2011-08-14T13:02:00.001+01:00

Isn't "Emo" supposed to be short for "Emotional"?

I'm just sayin'

Most of the people who call themselves "Emo" are the most boring, depressing bastards I've ever met.

Srsly. Why do I think about these things?

. . .

Pictures
-Wallpapers
--Ones in my wallpaper cycler
1)

10)

. . .

That's all. Now go and dfall asleepon yur keybraod or soemmenjnjkjnjkkjkjkkkkk

The music industry machine: I am the spanner in the works! . . . wait, that sounded wrong . . .

2011-08-10T18:31:00.000+01:00

So if something is logical, then it works on logic, right?

Then if something is illogical, then it works on . . .

. . . illogic? I 'unno.

. . .

In an effort to "keep up with the kids" as my agent calls it (and by agent I mean the plasic smurf on my bedside table) I fimly believe that the true voice of a generation lies with its musicians.

With this in mind, I decided to give my honest opinions (as if I can give any other) on the latest releases in the music charts according to http://www.billboard.com/new-releases . (Note that these all appear to have been released as part of albums previously or something, but these are the single releases. Also, I'm typing in real time. Because I'm hardcore like that.)

So, once more unto the breach, dear friends. I'm just going outside and may be some time. Some other third quote where the speaker dies straight afterwards.

1) The Kickback - Cali Swag District
While the first half minute of this is, I swear to god, unintelligible, and the beat borrowed from 1993, this doesn't seem like too bad a song. . .
Until about 3 minutes in when the guy who appears not to have hit puberty yet starts to, and I say this with inverted commas the size of skyscrapers; "rap". I don't know where the power drill in my hands suddenly appeared from, but I barely managed to stop myself self-lobotomising before the song ended.
Score: 1-star.

2) Neon - Chris Young
Ok, straight off the bat. "Young" is completely misleading. Was not expecting this. At all. Actually liking it more as I listen to it. . . . . . aaaaand now I'm bored.
Ok, so with a song and artist name like that, I admit I'm typing this on the fly, I'm really pleasantly surprised. Nice to hear someone with talent and musical ability, albeit a bit lacking in passion.
But hearing me say stuff is good is no fun. Next!

3) Gold Cobra - Limp Bizkit
Nnnnnngggggggggetawayfrommepowerdrill! Shit. I used to like these guys? What the hell do hormones do to people to make this crud sell? There was literally nothing memorable about this song, video, or experience.
Then again, the video does have some nice, bouncy boobs.
Oooh. Right. That's what hormones do. Excuse me a moment.

4) Attention Please - Boris
Oh. One of these songs. I know the type. Artistic songs. Said in the same way one would describe a particularly flatulent member of a crowd in a stuck lift-5-Jesus-tapdancing-minutes?!?? I know exactly how to deal with this *clicks next* The next one better be a helluva lot better than that. Then again, it'd be pretty hard to go lower than that monotone, dreary, mumbly crap.

5) Greyson Chance - Hold on 'til the Night
(throws headphones away) No. Just no. Fuck that sugar-pop shit for a game of monopoly. Fuck this. This was a terrible idea. I'm going to retreat back into my comfort zone of video game soundtracks now. Bye.

. . .
I just realised I'm giving these tools more publicity. Curses! You win again music industry! (shakes fist at sky, twirls moustache and flies away in a blimp.)

That's all this time. Go listen to some decent music or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Does anyone actually care or am I pandering to an audience who left long ago? Or (gasp) maybe you never existed in the first place! (Dun! Dun! Duuuuuunnn!)

2011-08-06T22:20:00.000+01:00

I know what I'll do this week!
Cover songs!
I haven't done that in-

(looks through archives)

. . . oh. . . well thank god for tags. . .

Fuckit. I have no original ideas anymore.

. . .

1. Mad World - Gary Jules (originally by Tears For Fears)

2. Free Fallin - John Mayer (orig. Tom Petty)

3. Lee DeWyze - Beautiful Day (orig. U2)

4. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston (orig. Dolly Parton)

5. Black Betty - RamJam (orig. John and Alan Lomax, 1933)

. . .

That's all. Now go mad or something. . .

Words about words about words.

2011-08-04T18:34:00.000+01:00

Well hellloooooooo again. And thank you for joining us for another edition of Warped and Extravagant Idiot Rites Down Obvious stuff.

The acronym still needs work.

. . .
Time for another (read: I'm to lazy to do anything that isn't a)
PICBOM!

(see post I did a while ago for the definition.)

Reverse Cowboys and Anal-iens
The Smutts
Captain (south) America: The Fist Avenger
Hairy Pooner and the Breastly Hallows Part XXII
Crazy, Stupid, Sex.
Friends with Benefi-Whaddya mean that's what the movie's called already?
Uhh . . .
Friends with More Befefits? Like really, really weird Benefits. Butt Stuff Benefits.
Horrible Asses
Transgenders: Dark of the (Full) Moon
Zookeeper('s Gone Wild, Extended Edition with Directors Commentary)
Midnight in Paris (Wait, isn't this a porn movie already???)
Winny The Pooh-lover.

(I hate myself so much right now. Like you have no idea how much I want to punch myself in the balls for that last sentence.)

. . .

I witnessed something horrible yesterday. So absolutely soul-scarring I couldn't bring myself to type about it. But one fitful, restless, sleepless night convinced me I have to let it out of my system.

Punch and Judy Shows are the spawn of Satan.

Not in any small, puppets-are-really-freaky, kinda way, either. This is the proper stuff of nightmares.
The standard Punch and Judy Show plys out like this:
Mr. Punch (we're already off to a great start with that kind of name. It gets worse.)
Punch is left in charge of the baby.
Angry with the crying, he hits it off the floor til it "goes to sleep".
Judy comes to see whats going on and (understandably) attacks him.
Mr. Punch then beats her to death with a stick.
(Jesus! Is this a kids show or a gritty horror movie?)
Throwing the two bodies out the window attracts a passing policeman.
The rest of it is just Punch outwitting a crocodile, policeman, clown, and doctor (whom he proceeds to kick the everloving shit of while he's being examined).
He eventually escapes from prison, but in the earlier versions, he outwits the hangman by convincing him to put his own head in the noose.
All the while, screaming his catchphrase maniacally "ThAt's ThE wAy To DoO IIt!!!!"
And we show kids this? No wonder we're all morally bankrupt.

(One quick wikipedia later)
This shit has been performed since 1662?!? What the shit, people??!?!
. . .

That's all. Now go make a non-late blog post or something. . .

Stuff you should look up: Where Men are Men and so are most of the Women.

2011-07-31T12:45:00.000+01:00

Going to cycle into town yesterday with friends for the weekly table quiz in the pub.
Suddenly cycled into a solid wall of water.
Took a second to realise this was actually rain when it didn't go away.
Took shelter under a tree, which helped for the first 10 minutes, then stopped helping.
We sorta figured it'd only be a short shower but the weather gods were like DURR HURR NOPE. YOU'RE GONNA BE THERE A WHILE YOU LITTLE NON-WATERPROOF BUTTMUNCHES.
Now thoroughly soaked, we cycled back to the house as fast as we could.
We cycled 200m before it stopped raining. Turns out we had managed to find the most localised tropical rainstorm ever.
We could have been sitting underneath a giant funnel and not have gotten so wet.
And of course Mr. Rain is all DERP DERP DERP GOTCHA NUMNUTS! NOW IMMA GO FLOAT PROMISINGLY OVER SOME AFRICAN COUNTRY BEFORE DISAPPEARING COS THAT'S JUST THE SORT OF WANKBAG I AM! DOODEDODEDO!

Funny thing was I was getting ready to fly home the next day.
And the airline service had a 1-bag policy.
So I had had to send all by clothes home in a big box via the post office.
Just. Earlier. That. Day.

And now the only clothes I had for 2 days were soaked.
Fucking. Joy.
. . .

Video
-Cool

1) Ransom by LRR

2) Jumping on a Giant Water Balloon by The Slo Mo Guys

3) Water Balloon to the Face by Discovery Channel

4)The Devil's Advocate Speech in kinetic typography

5) Bootleg Fireworks: Subtitled Version

. . .
There. Now go do something that isn't wasting your time watching ridiculous internet videos all day . . .

Crazier than a lettuce wearing a hat! . . . so not very.

2011-07-27T22:32:00.002+01:00

Wow! According to this, this month the blog got 20 views from . . .

. . . trafficfaker.com . . .

Seriously you guys? I mean, come the fuck on.
It's like spammers just aren't even trying any more.

It's like after nigerian princes and zimbabwe lottery winners they're all just out of ideas.

Here's a few for ya:
"Your bank has just recently miscalculated your tax credits: fill in your details to recieve the-"
(no, wait. I can do better)

"Ninjas have kidnapped your mother, Mr. Geordanicci! You have 40 seconds from the time you open this email til they turn her into slightly-forgetful, excellent-spaghetti-and-meatballs-maker sushi. UNLESS you photocopy your passport in reply to this to make sure we haven't got the wrong guy. Then attach your social security number for ~~shits and giggles~~ extra security."

That's better.
. . .
I am officially all out of ideas . . . . NO, WAIT!

MADLIBS!!!!

Fill in the blanks in the comments and I will return your humourously random paragraph in a reply comment within the day.
Who knows? You might just learn something about yourself.
And that thing will be that you have issues. Scary issues.
GO!

Silly Word:
Last Name:
Illness:
Noun (plural):
Adjective:
Different Adjective:
Different Silly Word:
Place:
Number:
Yet Another Different Adjective:

Here, to show you how much fun this could be, I'll do (a different!) one first to show you how it's done:

The Industry`s Most Highly Awarded... Mad Lib

"Without doubt Boobs Inc. has left its Boob with us as some of the most Boob-Like Boobs on the Breasts... This Boobs that we highly recommend for Boobish Boobers and high-end Mammaries."

. . . hmm. . . I need help. . .

No I am not being lazy by making you do the comedy for me. What ever gave you that idea?
. . .
That's all right now. Now go talk to me or something. . .
I'm so ronery.

. . .

Pic details here.

Stuff you should look up: Herping the Derp all night long.

2011-07-23T21:00:00.000+01:00

This is a Longan. Also known as a Lungan. Also known as DRAGON'S EYES.

. . .
That's right. Motherfucking
DRAGON'S EYES.

And no, there is no other way to type that. It's one of those things that's engrained in the male psyche.

It's an exotic fruit used in china. It's flesh is very sweet and I highly recommend buying a few if you have the chance.

You bite it slightly to break the skin, and then the skin slides off, and then you bite into it and

BOOM! FUCK! WHAT THE HELL?

Why? Why the hell would you not tell me that there is a massive, fuckoff seed in the middle of the goddamn fruit, friend-of-a-friend who offered this to me?
This has turned a perfectly good taste-bud massage into a veritable sense-of-taste clusterbomb of hate.

I really hate it when fruit pulls a sucker punch on you like that.

So here's some others I can bitch about!

-Fruit
---Sneaky motherfuckers

2) Peach
Yeah, that's right. I'm calling you out on this you delicious seductress. You ever tried to do the thing where you cut it on the halfway mark and then try to twist it apart?
I can't.
Fucker just leaves my hands looking like I tried to finger-paint with rotten fish mush. Ruins one of my favourite fruits.

3) Bananas in fruit salad

What the fuck? I see you there, trying to hide. Trying to turn that wonderful, sharp-tasting dessert into mushy, bland inedibility. Don't you da- I SAID DON'T YOU DARE DISINTEGRATE INTO PASTY, GROSS SYRU-oh fuck. Too late.

4) Prunes that haven't been de-seeded.

Fuck you.
Just.
Fuck.
You.
- signed, My Teeth.

5) When Oranges Spit You In The Eyes When You Try And Peel Them, The Devious, Malevolent Asshats.

When Or-oh. Kinda let the title speak for itself there.

. . .

Th-Th-Th-Th-The-The-Th-That's all folks!
Now go watch X-Men or something. . .

YOUUUU!!! SHALLL NOOOOOTT!!! PAAAASSSSS!!! GAAAASSS!!! WHILEIAMINTHEROOM!!! THATSDISGUSTINGSERIOUSLYYOUGUYS!!!

2011-07-19T22:46:00.001+01:00

Hello.
I am Nijerian prinse Majeerah Akinwunmahadjalalilimajereshertiaaaaaaaymacarena, and I am coming on you to be helping me with my long problem. Please be excusing the fact that I cannot spel prinsce. Or Nygeria.
You see, for years I have been moneyless in my home country of Insert Third World Country Here. But now I find I am royalty. But now we need you help. You see Insert Email Address Before The @ Symbol, Making It Look Like A Name, I need your credit card details to ensure I can become it. (note to self: ask scamming supervisor how exactly this is supposed to work)
Anyways, if you should become so kind as to reply with your bank account details, I will am thankful so much that I will recieve you 20% of monies which I will recieve.

. . . and if are not believing that, then I will be sending you emails every days the next 18 years with lottery story instead of royals.

. . .

Just back from the gym.

My biceps and triceps seem to have put aside their petty differences and formed a union.
Gluteus Maximus is attempting to join too, but they're arguing that that fat lazy bastard just sits on. . . well . . . himself all day.
My heart seems to be considering temporary strike action on all function because of working hours disputes. This is very worrying, but the heart's petty squabbles with my brain over my behaviour seem to be distracting it from any decisive action.
My lungs aren't too worried as they can deal with the burning sensation that comes with exercise for now, but they warn that if I take up smoking, they will attempt to escape via my ears.
My eyes gave up long ago, beaten into submission by the horrible, horrible things I've seen on the internet. Unfortunately, their little passive-aggressive revolt involves slowly degenerating into mush.
My liver's wondering if it can hire a lawyer it knows, who's a real asshole, to file charges against me for domestic alcohol abuse.
My back just wants to sleep on a bed that won't add 40 years to my life.
My elbows are. Um. Still there I guess. No one gives a shit about those guys.
Also, my teeth think I should take up knitting, but that's probably mental damage from the tin foil I've been chewing.
Lastly, my thumbs are signing a petition to be legally classified as "fingers" saying the segregation has gone on too long. But they spend their whole day playing video games, so they don't know what the hell they're talking about.

. . .

That's all at this moment. Now go watch a new movie in the cinema rather than torrenting it or something . . .

Stuff You Should Look Up: Martial Arts and Crafts!

2011-07-16T21:27:00.000+01:00

Soooooo yeah . . .

Feel free to link this site to your friends.

Y'know, if you think it's cool or anything.

Not that you have to.

I'm just sayin' is all.

'Cos I think it's good.

But then, I would say that, wouldn't I.

'Cos it's mine.

But if, I dunno, you told some friends or something.

It'd make me happy, anyway.

If that's what you're looking for.

But if it isn't.

Well that's cool too.

Please don't leave me alone.

When I'm alone, I kick puppies.

All the puppies.

THINK OF THE PUPPIES.

. . .

Images

-Long Distance Trolling

. . .

Finito. Go do nothing for the day or something . . .

The facts of death edition!

2011-07-13T23:45:00.000+01:00

So wait . . . if I want my friends to know something, and be ABSOLUTELY SURE that they'll know it . . .
. . . I tweet it with their #hashtag . . .
. . . I post it to their Facebook page . . .
. . . I tag them in a Facebook post about it . . .
. . . I send them a private message on Facebook . . .
. . . I send them a private chat message on Facebook . . .
. . . I send them a text . . .
. . . I send them an email from my hotmail account . . .
. . . I send them an email from my gmail account . . .
. . . I ring them on their mobile phone and tell them about it . . .
. . . I send them a message on Google+ . . .
. . . I post on their page on Google+ . . .
. . . I post on their Bebo or MySpace page (pfft!) . . .
. . . I send leave them a message on their blog, Blogger or Wordpress page . . .
. . . I leave them a message on YouTube . . .
. . . I send them a video response on YouTube . . .
. . . I call them on Skype . . .
. . . I video call them on Skype . . .
. . . I message them on Skype . . .
. . . I message them on MSN . . .
. . . I message them on Steam . . .
. . . I leave them a private message on any of their account on literally every and any website that has that social media bullshit attached to it . . .
OR I get up. Walk to where they are. And actually talk to them over a coffee or bowl of soup.

Take your goddamn pick. I know which one I'd prefer.
. . .

*Read in a booming, deep voice that shakes the very foundations of the soul*

In a world . . .

. . . where "Cribs" is considered entertainment . . .

. . . where people think "alot" is actually a real word . . .

. . . and where the game Duke Nukem Forever was finally released after 13 years in development to turn out to be totally shit, . . . one man we-

. . . what? . . .

. . . what do you mean, "It's this world!"? . . .

. . . seriously? . . .

. . . well, shit. . . .

. . .

In other news: HOLY UNDESERVED ATTENTION, BATMAN!!! 2000 PAGEVIEWS!

I'd like to thank my fans, (both of them)

My mom and dad (for not aborting me when I was at my most vulnerable, now I am far too strong for anyone to stop me ahahah. AHAHAHAHAHA *cough* ahem.)

The adoring public (even though I've never seen this mysterious, theoretical demographic. They're like electrons personified. You know they must be there, but by the time you find them, they've already moved on.)

And Jesus (Despite letting millions of people starve and be murdered every hour of every day. Actually, what has that lazy hoor ever done for me? Besides the whole death thing. What a douche. Always trying to guilt trip you into being a better person for one thing that made him look kinda good a few milennia ago.)

. . .

That's it right now. Now go ~~get fired~~ keep your job or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Y U No Think Of Good Title Idea, Brain?

2011-07-09T23:13:00.000+01:00

Musicians lie!
You cannot play on broken strings, James Morrison!
The instrument cannot make any noise, and as such can't be considered "playing"!
You so would not walk 1000 miles, The Proclaimers!
All that to fall over on someone's doorstep? How does that prove love?
Diamonds make terrible best friends, Ms. Monroe! They never remember your birthday!
And you are most certainly not an astronaut, Elton John!

. . .

Products
-I New Idea

(all from http://www.inewidea.com/ )

1) Waterfall Soap Saver - Why does everybody not own this? Or own several?

2) Musical Glasses - Calibrated wine glasses for accurate musicalising! You'll be life and soul of the funeral party!

3) The Ostrich Pocket Pillow - For those who have absolutely no fear of having no idea of the pranks their friends and strangers pull while using this absolutely. Ridiculous. Thing.

4) Weird Quilt Covers - It's really just setting up any outside observer for disappointment. It must also be kinda annoying after the initial joke has worn off. It's be a bit awkward pegging it up on the washing line, too.

5) Hair Brush For Bald Men - Not actually a joke. More of a head polisher, really. Costs $12. It takes a special kind of mind to come up with something like this. Like, "Special Ed" type of special.

. . .
That's all guys. Go polish your wonderfully pristine, shiny, glowing scalp or something , , ,

Like it or not, Andrew W.K. does create a very compelling argument . . .

2011-07-06T21:38:00.000+01:00

Oh yeah. By the way, there was no post last Sunday on account of the fact that over Saturday, Sunday and Monday I managed to obtain the grand total of 6 hours sleep.

It was my 21st birthday part- actually, wait. That's not right. It was a big ol' family party. I'll give you the rundown:
Mine and my cousin's 21st birthday (which had been in June and April earlier this year)
My grandparent's 80th.
My dad's 50th (actually a few days after the party)
and my little sister's 18th.

My dad thought it'd be a greeeeeeaaaat idea to just have a big party in one of our sheep sheds where everyone would come and noone would get annoyed if people chose to go to one over the other. A good plan. Worked out pretty well. All I'll say is thanks be to jaysus that I wasn't there until two days before the party, so I managed to miss out on, oh, say, all of the buildup stress and madness, and was only present for the preparation stress and madness.

We had around 10 Canadian second cousins come over, whom we haven't seen in about 10 years, about 20 of the English relations, our cousins from Northers Ireland, and one American (because, y'know, there's always one. They're like ants like that.). And that was it, apart from absolutely everyone we knew within a 50 mile radius.

And then there was the food. Three pigs on a spit, with a few sides of pork thrown in for good measure. A pallet full of alcohol, and soooo many cakes. Brownies for dessert and about 8 different regular old cakes to ensure dancing would be impossible during the disco afterward.

Did I not mention the disco? There was a local musician who plays in our favourite pub every week, on guitar for two hours, and a generic DJ. All 80's music. For the whole night. All of it. I'm not saying it was a bad thing, after all, the average age on the dance floor was well above the mid-life crisis stage. But there's only so much Rick Astley-era cheesy tunes I can take. And that amount is 6 hours.

Anyway. The DJ packed up and left at 4.30, I stayed up and was talking away until around 5.30, (when the sky was a glorious, and almost unnerving, shade of azure) when most went to their tents (There was camping! Crap. I knew I forgot to mention something else.) but they all went in pairs and there wasn't any spare tents, so I just stayed at the impromptu campfire out the back and talked to the last few sleepless stragglers. Three neighbours, one of my friends, and my dad.

When the three neighbours and my friend went off to catch some shuteye, my dad and two of my big sister's friends (who went off earlier but were finding it hard to get any sleep because of the exodus of dipshits that had suddenly invaded the camping area) helped with the bulk of the cleanup: bottles and cans. i tell ya, only in the unique setting of a party aftermath, do you truly appreciate how some people just have no taste. Bottles of sugary, luminous water everywhere. A lot with only a sip taken out of them before being abandoned.

So anyway, when we finished that, the other three went to finally get some more rest.

So then there was just me.

I thought about getting a few hours rest, but then thought: no. No and fuck that shit for a game of monopoly. I'm gonna see this through all the way. So I grabbed a deckchair, and sat in the garden in the front of my house with a sketchpad and a set of headphones, and watched the sunrise. Alone. In complete and total silence.

Just that hour or so turned an amazing birthday into the best birthday I could've hoped for.

So thanks to everyone who came, but expecially to my friends Abe, Alan, Gavin and Jonathan. Just for being there.

. . .

Wow. Uh. Ok. You can all just forget that I actually typed all that crap. Wow. Did not mean it sound like such a total pussy. But fuckit, 'tis the truth. Four of my friends out of the twenty I had at least hoped for. But life goes on. Like it or not, there is no retry option.

. . .

That's all for now, now go ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about nothing in particular intil people get bored or something . . .

A good morning is like a good analogy. I don't do them.

2011-06-29T22:59:00.002+01:00

Community activity results 2:

. . . none.

:'(

r= TT_TT

r=# - TT_TT

r= X_X ...

. . .

Which leads me nicely onto . . .

More new smileys!

TT_TT = Extra Crying Smiley. (because, y'know, sometimes you really need to use the full range of the awkward symbol-using medium to fully communicate the extent of your sorrow.)

:W
:<> = Mother bird feeding baby bird (I really have no explanation as to when or where this may be used, but be quiet. My blog, my rules.)

C : = Smiley smiling waaaay to wide to be anything but creepy.

U_U = Asleep smiley

H_H = Just woke up smiley

R_R = "Why the hell did you just wake me up?" Smiley

I _ I = Robot Smiley

:-/ = Lying Down Smiley

d'_'b = Sticking-out-ears Smiley

:-(=:-*=:-*=:-* = Human Centipede Smiley

( * ) = Y'now what, I know I better than this shit. What happened to this blog?

( Y ) = Oh now you're just trying to piss me off, brain.

( . )( . ) = Oh screw you brain.

~~8=D-- = No. Don't you dare. Don't you even go there! Don't make me come up there!~~

Phew. Minor Technical issue there. Now if we j :C( * ) q: oh that is it. I am coming after you with a pickaxe, brain!

. . .

That's all. Now go call a friend to say hi or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Because my ego needs scratching.

2011-06-26T14:56:00.001+01:00

Stuff you should look up:
The Golden Rolex watch of the internet

(after it's been dropped on the floor one too many times.
Or fifty.
Plus the strap is broken.
And it had a dead battery.
And all the shiny bits have been scratched off.
And there's this weird smell from the last dumpster it was pulled from bec-
y'know, never mind.)
. . .
Music
-Games
--LittleBigPlanet 2 (because that's what I'm playing right now)

1) A Fifth Of Beethoven

2) Batteroo

3) Disco Shmisco

4) What Are You Waiting For?

5) Rock Your Body Rock (Freddy Corsten)

. . .

Bonus Round!!!
SleepyHead

That's It. Now Go And Make Some Really Annying Typos And Formatting Errors Or Someings . . .

Pokémon reference, I choose you!

2011-06-22T23:59:00.000+01:00

Pic details here.
. . .
Now I'm not the most charitable man in the world. I sometimes keep a jar with a few coppers in it and a hole punched in the top for the sole purpose of scaring away other people who come up to you in the street and attempt to rob you of self-assurance, any non-guilty thoughs you once had, and several, if not, (god forbid) a couple of, euros a month in favour of some poor, sick child who has the unfortunate illness hospitals like to call "Pisspooritis".
But it seems to me like the whole world has some kind of deep, strange relationship with tiny transactions.

Yes, this was brought to mind in a comic by theoatmeal.com , and it makes a good point. Why are we so quick to justify why we never spend just a few cents in a tip jar, but can clearly see the reason why we need that box of cereal that costs €10 a spoonful. (Special K? More like Special Au at that kind of price, amirite?)

We can readily spend a few bob on those several coffees we "need" every morning, but can't shell out for a nicer pair of socks than those? (you know the ones I'm talking about. Everyone has a pair. The one's from secondary school. Probably even before that.)

I just think it's strange when I find myself making transactions on the internet for only a euro or two into a huge issue, when I can literally put my hand in my pocket, take out a coin, throw it at a passing car/cyclist/-nother fucking charity collecter out the window, and not think twice about it.

Well no more! I am going to subscribe to a charity and make all you guys so jealous of my selfless and giving nature, you're going to hate me for it. I'm going to become that one self-righteous bastard in any given group of people that the others just wish would shut up about their beliefs and stop, dear god, stop talking about that time they went with their friends to work in New Zealand and really, y'know, got it, y'know? Oh how you'll loath me for being the sort of person who interrupts other people's stories with useless bits of information, or makes a family guy reference mid-sentence, and doesn't realise he's sent the table into an awkward silence because that one guy down at the end is actually from that country and doesn't get the joke. . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . I think I may have accidently proven/disproven my theorum about why people aren't exactly charitable in this day and age. Or likeable people, anyway.

. . .

Community Activity Results 1!

I will humor you but only cause it was your birthday the other day... tyvrb yk
- Mags.

I really do appreciate you taking the time to faceplant your computer peripherals. But that was an average mark, I think. I do like the way you managed to avoid the "g" despite it being in the middle of the other keys, though.

gf vbyjnmhj jm as requested.
- Andy.

Thank's Andy! I can see you really put some work into this one! Several spaces signify a real nice faceroll goin' on here! Good work!

gfv rgthnjuhygtfvdcerftghyu hygtfrv
- ?.

. . . feckin' teacher's pet. One in every class. . .

Community Bonding Session #2!

The item directly to your left is your weapon in zombie apocolypse. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 is a jar of barbeque sauce, 11 is a fully stocked nuclear bunker) how absolutely boned are you?

Tell your friends!

. . .

That's all for this week's episode. Now go and stay tuned for more irreverent bullshit or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: How I met your Brutha-From-Anutha-Mutha.

2011-06-19T16:17:00.000+01:00

I just woke up after a night of drinking.

It's 3 in the fucking afternoon.

3.

In.

The.

Fucking.

Afternoon.

This is why I don't like going out every night of my weekends. You have to spend the entire day recovering from what you do in the night.

. . .

Music
-Videogames
--Classic

1) Dr. Wily Stage - Mega Man 2

2) Overworld Theme - Super Mario Bros. 2

3) Main Theme - The Legend of Zelda

4) Bloody Tears - Castlevania

5) Main Theme - Metal Gear Solid 2

. . .
That's all. Now go and actually get something done today or something . . .

It's called being a Cannibal. Not a CANTibal. Stop being such a quitter and eat your christian!

2011-06-15T23:01:00.001+01:00

You know what I find hilarious?
About two thousand years ago (give or take) one man stood up, transcended his humble carpentry roots, spoke of his beliefs, and influenced tens of billions of people all across the world. His book is the best selling ever, and everyone on earth knows his name.
His beliefs? Wouldn't it be so much better if we were all nice to one another.
But that's not the funny bit.
The punchline is that for this, he was nailed to a tree, and people haven't stopped killing each other in his name ever since!

. . .

Ok. New Idea. This is mandatory for any and all people who read this blog.
I can only keep this up for as long as I feel I'm getting a response, like it's worthwhile in some way.
So here we are, a bit of community-based activity:
Different things posted every week, each of which needs your active participation!
Post your answers in the comments below. If embarressed, just stay anonymous, but whatever you do, don't just leave me hanging here.
Every time you do,

So here's a test run:

~~Minion Order 1~~

Community Activity 1:
Mash Face On Keyboard. Post Results In Comment Box.

Thats it!
Happy Facerolling!

. . .
Bad Porn Titles Of Current Box Office Movies . . . Sorta! (BPTOCBOMS?)
. . . wait, wait, I can do better . . .
Porn In Current Box Office Movies! (PICBOM!) . . . yeah, that works better.

Time for P.I.C.B.O.M.!

Karma Sutra Panda!
Iron Manhood 2!
The Green Horny-et!
The Fast And The Furious Fuckers 5!
Ass-Pirates Of The Carribean: On A Stranger's Thighs
XXX-Men: First Ass!
Source Co-Eds!
Well-Hung Over: Part 2!

Now available at your local shady back alley from The Guy In The Trenchcoat Who Smells Weird for the low-low price of Whatever You Had In Your Jacket!
. . .

That's all folks! Now go watch a funny LP or something . . .
. . .
pic details here.

Stuff you should look up: Bad Spelling Woz Ere

2011-06-12T00:03:00.000+01:00

You know what gets me loads of pageviews?

Copy-paste image list blog posts!

But that is a cheap and plagaristic way of gaining popularity, kids, so be sure to only post your own original content!

*wink*

. . .

-Internet Memes
---Demotivational Posters

1)

10)

. . .
That's all for now. Now go and jump a scooter through a ring of fire or something . .

Shouldn't you be looking at porn or something?

2011-06-07T23:04:00.000+01:00

pic details here.
. . .

What I learned about Social Life on Co-op (a.k.a. The Story So Far)

1. Never stop smiling.
2. Know what you're talking about.
3. Think of ways you can make everyone else more comfortable. Constantly.
4. Duvets. Duvets everywhere.
5. If you think you're right, convince them. Winning an argument is not throwing shame, anger, sarcasm doubt or even incontrovertable evidence on the opposition's beliefs, but instead its convincing the other person of your points of view.
6. Always always always push that little bit more.
7. Don't stop working.
8. Get out more. Clubs'n'shit.
9. Early mornings are healthier. Getting shit done before 12 changes the whole day.
10. Exercise three times a week at least.
11. Keep conversation alive. Unless #3.
12. Try not to be such a raging dickbrain.
13. Tea. Biscuits. You don't eat them. Other people do.
14. Be more interested. In everything. Especially in how things work. Not why. That's the physicist's job. But how.
15. Don't force your hobbies on others if it conflicts with #3. Which it will. Almost always.
16. Everyone loves movie nights.
17. Have beer ready for other people. Have spirits ready for yourself.
18. Your laptop, games and music are only little safety blankets to stop you from thinking. Get away from them more.
19. You like it when people ask for your help, ergo, other people like it when you ask for their help, ergo this notion that you only annoy people when you ask for their help is completely and utterly wrong.
20. 5 Things They Never Told Us: Daniel O'Brien on Cracked.com is the truest thing ever written.
---You don't become an adult. You suddenly are one.
----------------Hence, get a grip and learn how to pay bills and fill out forms.
---Almost everything you're doing is absolutely meaningless.
----------------Especially in college. Hence, have more of a life. It's not what you know, it's how well you can pretend you know what you're doing.
---You've lost the energy you had when you were young.
----------------Uhhhh. I dunno 'bout this one. I was a pretty boring 14 year old. Hence, try do more stupid stuff now.
---You'll have you're last summer and not even realise it.
----------------Hence, go abroad. Asap.
---You're an idiot and will change you're life outlook every 2 years.
21. Hug more.
22. ~~Bitches~~ Girls love it when you just go for it.
23. Just because they offer you food does not mean you always take it. It's their food. Not yours.
24. Organise more stuff. Any stuff.
25. Always try to end on a multiple of 5.
26. Be way more confident.

Most Important Rule:

Learn To Ask The Right Questions.

Then you'll get the answers you want.

Remember this for the Fourth Year Project.
. . .
I honestly don't know what to say after this, guys. I'll talk to ya soon. Go and get drunk and wake up in the next country or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: With Great Power comes Great Responsibility . . . and Great Voltage and/or Ampage.

2011-06-05T09:18:00.000+01:00

I would bet a large amount of money that Yoga was invented by a man.

Just sayin'.

Think about it.

. . .

Pictures
-Glennz.com

This website has some serious talent behind it. Try the laptop skins!

1) False Alarm

2) Sharpened

3) For Dummies

4) Extreme Beginnings

5) Priorities

6) Chameleon

7) Called For Help

. . .
That's all for today. Now go have a day-long lie-in or something . . .

Your simile is like a ray of sunshine!

2011-06-01T21:18:00.001+01:00

Ok, roysh. I think I can get an actual blog post out on the right day that is well written, thoughtful, insightful, grammatically correct, and-

Pfft!

Nope. Couldn't say it with a straight face.
. . .
I've heard a lot of people attempt the Irish accent when I tell them where I'm from on my travels. That is to say every single foreign person feels compelled to give me their "best" Irish accent as soon as I tell them I'm Irish. And yet people yell at me when I attempt a Japenese accent, telling me that it's "racist" or some shit.
If you want to do a horrifically racist stereotype, then at least do it properly! So here's the lowdown, from the best I can describe it:

Southern Irish Accent
The "traditional" Irish accent. Whenever you hear a leprechaun on TV, this would be the closest you would get in a real life situation. Which is to say, about as close as I'll ever get to a threesome with Lucy Liu and Jessica Alba.
On the moon.
Sub-accent---Cork accent. Hoo boy. The big one. You really need to hear this to believe it. Legend has it Corkites invented this dialect to make outsiders feel afraid and confused when in their company, thus being able to weed out any non-Corkanians or Kerryese from literally any conversation. Think "random and garbled", add some nasal, raise the tone of every sentence at the end so it sounds like a question, even when it's not? Change every "A" for an "E"? And add a "like" or "boy" to the end of every sentence and yer laughin, like y'know boy?

Northern Irish Accent
Might as well be a foreign language, for all the resemblance it bears to the other accents. Speech is generally formed around insults and insinuations regarding either Catholics or Protestants and the religeous leaders thereof. It's almost scottish, but more nasal. In Scotland, Now=Noo. In N.I. "now" is pronounced "Nie". "How" is pronounced "Hie" etc. Add something unintelligable about the IRA and you're done.
Sub-accent---Donegal accent: Similar but gentle and soft-spoken. Breathy, calm speech pattern. Gives the impression that the speaker is a complete and total pussy.

Western Irish Accent
Mayo and Glaway, referred to as "the oule wesht" by some, are where Cromwell, James I, and Elizebeth I (the cunts! All irish people are required from birth to say that whenever Cromwell is mentioned.) moved all the Catholics out to during the plantations. There remains the truest spirit of Irishness. That is to say, everyone is miserable and theres no money out there. The accent has broad, rounded vowels and is punctuated by "ah shure" and "y'know" instead of commas.

North Dublin Accent
Aaaaaaaaalroit, man? Hew's the ska, laaaad? Did you understand that? If so, congratulations, you can go to the next lesson. If not? Well. I dunno. North Dublin is seen as, uh, less economically advantageous than the rest of the county. Hoodlum youths have developed a nasally, slack-jawed, word-replaced speech that is entirely their own. A "Looper" is an energetic person. A "Fookin loi'weigh' " is a person who cannot drink much alcohol without getting drunk. The list goes on. That's an entry for another day.

South Dublin Accent
This is known as the "posh" version of the Dublin dialect. Should be spoken with lots and lots and lots of "like"'s and all those other California-type speech impediments, and with stiff cheeks. Change all "A"'s with "O"'s so it sounds like you're looking down on everyone. All the time. Congatulations, you sound like a total tool. Or should I say: Oh My Gowd, roysh. You, loike, totally sound loike a complete and otter benny, man. Loike, you have neuw oidea!

Aaaaand you're set! You have passed the Extrapolated Cynicism Irish Language Specifics Alteration Course (Series One, Book One, Chapter One, Lesson One).
Feel free to print out this certificate and stop being so racist to Irish people.
Or, at the very least, be a better racist.
. . .
Pic is here.

That's all roysh now. Now go and, loike, go do something oi doin't even, y'know, even caire about, loike. . .

Stuff you should look up: Where the sky's the limit, but the ground's the average.

2011-05-29T11:38:00.000+01:00

If you lose half your large intestine to an injury, does that mean you only have a " ; " ?

. . .

Video Series
-Internet
-Comedy

1) News Dump
Yes another by the guys at loadingreadyrun.com. This just started and may not be around for long, but I still think the dynamic of the group is fantastic in everything they do.

2) The Big Picture with Moviebob
A critical look at pop culture and specific topics, mostly movies, games and comics, from a well-balanced standpoint.

3) Escape To the Movies with Moviebob
A great movie review show. I don't always agree with him, but he makes some very valid points.

4) After Hours from Cracked.com

Why Everyone Wants to Have Sex with Vampires -- powered by Cracked.com

5) Retold! Series by frostyobsitnic

Suggestions for topics always welcome!

. . .
Aaand I'm out. Go get a doner kebab or something. . .

Having scraped through the bottom of the barrel, we are now scraping through the soggy dirt that occupies the space beneath the barrel.

2011-05-25T22:05:00.000+01:00

I had a twelve-hour shift in work. Not the sexytime type of shift. The bad kind. The "work" work kind.
So I'm not really feeling the whole blogging thing right now.

. . .

I also don't have a picture.
Fuckcicles.

Ooh! Wait! Found one. I was doodling other people's cartoon characters this one time.
That'll do.

. . .

So. What does one do in this situation? I've already maxed out the idea of random link-dumping every Sunday. So that's out. I've done the whole "keep typing out loud until you've filled a few paragraphs and hope nobody notices" to death. I'm also doing it right now but shut up.
I'm just so . . .

So tired right now that I'm afraid of making some food in case I try to use my laptop as a sandwich toaster.

I feel so sticky right now from the humid weather that the dust mites have formed a union and are demanding basic sanitary conditions.

So frustrated right now that whenever I blow my nose, that's my brain trying to escape for a better life. As an Arts student.

I felt so horrible after drinking last weekend I couldn't tell if I'd been drinking beer or broken glass and vinegar cocktails.

My room is so messy even the hobos are complaining.

I'm so hungry right now my internal organ are drawing straws to see which of them is going to be cannibalised by the others first. Sounds like my pancreas lost the first round.

I'm so irritated by my supervisor that you'de need to grind your head against a pebbledash wall for four hours while Daniel O'Donnell read you the shipping forecast to get a glimpse of how I feel when I think I have to face him again tomorrow.

My similes are so bad they're more like simeters.

Dear god that 8 hours of data entry turned my brain to mush. Get me back to college where at least noone will notice!
. . .
Well. That's all I got. Go knock off work early or something. Like four hours early . . .

Stuff you should look up: Seven-Pack Edition!

2011-05-22T09:48:00.001+01:00

This:

. . . just . . .

. . . .this.

. . .

Articles

-cracked.com

1) 12 Things You'll Wish You'd Never Seen Under a Microscope

2) 5 Bad Ideas Humanity Is Sticking With Out of Habit

3) The 10 Best Animated Movies for (Traumatizing) Kids

4) 5 Things They Never Told Us

5) The 4 Most Irresponsible Sex Advice Books of All Time

. . .

That's your lot. Now go and learn something or something . . .

Do Female Dogs Raise The Leg When Going To The Bathroom?

2011-05-19T08:37:00.001+01:00

Fuckcicles. Another late post. I should really get into the habit of writing these ahead of time.
Meh.
This'll be a rehash of what I can remember of a post I had just put up before Blogger went apeshit a few days ago

. . .

On my way out from the gym a few days ago, (yes, I do get exercise as many people who know me are probably shocked at that fact) in the lobby area I found something that absolutely made my day and sent me smiling all the way home.
I was a young kid (8 or 9) playing a game on a laptop.
This game:
(picture below)

This is Worms:Armageddon.
Worms. Freaking. Armageddon.
This was made by Team17 Studios in 1999 and has been updated as recently as last December for Windows 7 functionality.

It just really makes me happy to think that even with consoles reminiscent of the black box from 2001:A Space Odyssey with enough graphical power to render the crumbs of cheese on a mouse's whiskers six miles away, with online gameplay so fast we can teabag a 12-year old brazilian kid's online avatar with split-second precision, and with games containing enough voilence to fill an olympic swimming pool with gore and even cause Jeffrey Dahmer to think that's a bit much,
All we really want to do is blow up cartoon worms in silly ways.

All we really need to enjoy ourselves, no matter what age, is a worm called Mr. Buggles with the voice of a squeaky Mr.T drop an airplane full of exploding sheep onto the unsuspecting head of Lord Pants-alot (with a scottish accent) before watching him explode on death to leave behind a gravestone in the shape of a dog turd.

God bless you, you wonderful, timeless game.
. . .
That's it. Short, I know. Now go and forget to finish you sentences or s
. . .

(Picture details found here.)

The One And Pwnly!

2011-05-15T15:05:00.001+01:00

Fuck. Ok, so on wednesday and thursday I made 2 quite nice blog posts. Then Blogger decides to have its once-every-however-fuckin-long-it-feels-like-it spaz attack, and I lose both of them on Saturday. On Friday, . . . let's just say friday wasn't a good day for me. So I can't really just make posts. So I'm sorry, but instead of the usual malarkey, I'm just posting this message.

And some pictures.

. . . aaand some music.

That is all.

Stuff you should look up: Thou Shalt Not Kill. Unless, Like, He Really, Really Deserves It.

2011-05-07T23:54:00.000+01:00

I really don't have thyme to make any oreganol ideas for the opening sentence this week. Basilcly I have no sage advice I cayenne give you so chili out already.
If you're minterested in why, it's because chive got to go soon. I'm really hungcurry and we're going out for a meal cinnamoment.

Not that you can tell over the internet.

. . .
Music
-Covers

As always, if you type "listento" before "youtube" in the address bar on the video's YouTube page, it'll take you straight to a download link.

1) Creep - Radiohead - Scala and Kolacny Brothers

2) The Legend Of Zelda Theme - Koji Kondo - The Boston Symphony Orchestra

3) Fireflies - Owl City - chrinFinity

4) Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring - Johann Sebastian Bach - A Small Wooden Ball

5) Aerodynamic - Daft Punk - Tom Hodge

. . .
Tha's all nah bros. Nah go'n' git suhm sleep ohr suhmthin . . .

. . . . . . . . . . . [Loading Humourous Title] . . . . . . . . . . . . [Time Left: Infinity] . . . . . . .

2011-05-03T23:39:00.000+01:00

(Fullsize of image here. If you really want to. Which you probably shouldn't because it's crap)

. . .

What to talk about, what to talk about, what to talk about . . .

. . .

I suppose in the intrest of making this blog a little more personal, more like this one, I guess I can just throw up a little enlightening personal opinion around and see where I end up.
So without further ado . . .

People Whom I Find Have The World's Most Punchable Faces!!!
(Ha! Totally gotcha with the whole "enlightening" thing there, didn't I. You were all like "Oh, it seems this might actually be worth read-andthenI'malllikePOW! In with the stupidity sucker-punch!)

Glenn Beck (Presenter of Lies and Scaremongering and More Lies, Fox News)

How can he look in his bathroom mirror every morning and not instinctively headbutt it?
He's a sensationalist right-wing presenter in the same way as Hitler thought the Jewish religeon wasn't really his "scene". But most infuriatingly is the fake crying he does in his shows.

I will rip out your tear ducts and strangle you with them.

I already have anti-fake crying sentiments thanks to my little sister in her younger years, but a grown man? He actively makes me want to beat him with something blunt and heavy until he mans the fuck up.

Ke$ha (Abomination, Music Industry)

Kesha, -can I call you Kesha? I'm getting the most terrible sore throat pronouncing the "$" part of your name- the thing is, and nobody seems to have told you this: You. Are not. Attractive like that. I know the words "rebellious", "break the mold", "bad girl", "some definitely do find you attractive" and "What I Want" are in your defence somewhere, but I'm just saying this. You look like a homeless person. Your "look" speaks volumes about you, and almost none of it is good. I'm sure you're a great person to party with, but outside of those few hours of my week, I would not want to be anywhere. Fucking. Near you.
And I hate your music. But for unrelated reasons. Like the fact that it's boring, pretentious, auto-tuned and forgettable, yet somehow overplayed at the same time.

Lady Gaga's Wardrobe (Assembled Piece of Wood, Lady Gaga's Bedroom)

How have you not caused grevious bodily harm to your owner for stuffing you full of meat, perspex, fireworks and puppet heads? How can you live with the shame that your shenanigans are causing an otherwise talented woman to spiral into a media circus all on her own? It. . . . it just makes me angry that the entire basis for the girl's fame is based in impractical, uncomfortable, downright dangerous outfits that have become a completely seperate entity to the wearer, who is being dragged along by their fame into a life of wealth and worth, despite the fact that the outfits could easily be replaced onto another singer-person, and nothing would have been changed except the face nestled slightly above the bubble-wrap dress, and some other poor struggling musician is still playing underground concerts for free.

Anderson Cooper (Head of Self-Importance, CNN)

For no obvious reason other than I hate his square, squinty face and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! But due to the lack of english TV in my current location, this is the only face I can go to to get the morning's news before I go to work. So It may be the news I'm angry at. Not so much this guy.
Actually, scratch that. It's the guy's face. Definitely the guy's face.

Since the power of the internet has not yet advanced to the point of force-feedback, I need to ask all winners of this prestidious honour to give themselves a pat on the back, and a swift fist to the 'ole "boat race".

In the event of a person being unable to self-administer the punch, a nearby volunteer will suffice.

. . .

That is it. Go and go commando for the day or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: Stop Russian everywhere, Putin!

2011-05-01T11:13:00.000+01:00

Do clown cars have crash tests?

How many dummies do they use?

. . .

Great Trailers
-Video games

1) Portal 2: Panels (starring the dad from "Juno")

2) Gears Of War: Mad World

3) Team Fortress 2: Meet the Soldier

4) Bioshock

5) God Of War 3

. . .

Bonus!!!1

. . . .
That's a wrap, people! Now go for a swim or something . . .

Movie Title 2: The Titleing!

2011-04-27T01:00:00.000+01:00

I'm not gonna lie to ya: this one is gonna be pulled completely out of my ass. Metaphorically, of course. Don't be disgusting.
I've just gotten back from a weekend back in Ireland (to the news that it turns out I'm missing nothing back there. Should've gone to Limerick instead.) and not I'm bolloxed after an work, then a run in the gym, then archery, which it turns out is much harder to do when you've wasted all your energy in the aforementioned gym.

I turn on MTV in the morning (since I only have two channels here in the Netherlands and the other's CNN which I can't take more than one minute twenty seconds of, seriously, I timed it and everything) and a song was playing (a song? I hear you ask, Yes! Turns out there isn't much of a market for Teen Mom or Room Raiders (the show that makes kidnapping fun!!!1!!) at 8:30 in the morning, so they fill in the gaps with this "music" stuff that's in the name of their goddamn station.

Below follows my thoughts on this artist's joyful musings:

In My Pocket lyrics My Internal Monologue Lyrics

I wish you smelled a little funny --- (Oh man this is gonna be one to remember *stops flicking back to CNN*)
Not just funny really bad --- (Fuckin' shakespeare, this guy.)
We could roam the streets forever --- (Why? Are you trying to romance this woman with homelessness?)
Just like cats but we'd never stray --- (Wh- Wait, what? What does this have to do with smelling bad?)

I sometimes wish you were a mermaid --- (Better)
I could raise you in the tub at home --- (. . . Not better. Stalkerer.)
We could take a swim together --- (more romantic than begging like in the last verse.)
On weekly daytrips to the bay --- (Weekly? She'd LIVE in the sea! You'd just be torturing her. Giving her glimpses of a life she once knew.)

Oh, you and me --- (pretty self explanatory)
It would be only you and me --- (slightly creepy now)
You and me --- (*leaning away from the TV*)

I wish you were a little bigger --- (Heh. Chubby chaser.)
Not just big but really really fat --- (Um. Blimp chaser?)
Doors you would no longer fit through --- (uh. . . huh? . . . )
In my bed you would have to stay --- (He's going to fatten you up? Is he the villain in a Brothers Grimm story or what?)

I often wish that you had feathers --- (Whatever you're into, i guess)
I'd keep you in a giant cage --- (unless that thing is illegal imprisonment)
All day long I'd sit and watch you --- (Watching . . . always watching . . . )
And sing for you if it would be okay --- (So she's dressed up as the bird, and you're the one singing? I'm not sure if you know how birds work, mister.)

Oh, you and me --- (Here we go again)
It'll be only you and me --- (Keep saying it)
Oh, you and me --- (It'll only make it less creepy)
It'll be only you and me --- (Totally normal, man.)
You and me --- (Not calling the cops right now or anything . . . )

People say --- (that you're a freak?)
There are plenty of fish --- (and that you're a freak)
In the sea --- (Unlike your tortured mermaid-girlfriend)
Baby, all I do I wish --- (Wish what?)

I wish, I wish I.. --- (What, dammit!)

I wish you were a little slower --- (Wha-? . . . You want her to be autistic?)
Not just slow but pa-pa-paralyzed --- (WHAT IN GODS NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU?)
I could put you on a socket --- (That's not a paraplegic! That's a fucking robot, dumbass!)
And you could never run away --- (How are you still mixing those two things up?)

I really wish that you were smaller --- (You. Need. Help. With your "kinks".)
Not just small but really really short --- (Oh Jesus, he's going to cut your legs off.)
So I could put you in my pocket --- (aaand the song title finally comes into play. A bit late, no?)
And carry you around all day --- (Run woman! Run for the hills!)

Oh I would put you in my pocket --- (Probably in a jar, from what we've seen from this guy.)
And carry you around all day --- (Never. Letting you. Out of his sight.)

Oh, you and me --- (Oh, thank god, I think he ran out of horrible deformities to give her.)
It'll be only you and me --- (Still creepy.)
Oh, you and me --- (How have the FBI not picked up on this guy?)
It'll be only you and me --- (How many bodies must he have under his floorboards?)
It'll be only you and me --- ( . . . Still a damn catchy tune, though. *adds to youtube playlist*)

. . .
Phew! Ok. That's a wrap. Now go make fun of someone more successful than you or something . . .

Stuff you should look up: If I could pull off the "poncho" look without looking homeless, I would.

2011-04-24T09:03:00.002+01:00

Just call me the Fun-Wrecking Master of Puppets.

Or Fu-recking Master-Puppet for short.

Or Fu'cking M'uppet for shorter.

. . .

Videos
-Awesome Advertising

1) Rolling Ball Plays Bach.

2) Golden Pages Hairdresser

3) The Italian Football Training Camp

4) Old Spice - All of them. Seriously. Go through all of them. I know you've seen them, but some of the shorter ones are just as briliant.

5) Walk On The Wild Side (More of a preview of a tv program but sure feckit. It's my blog.)

. . .

BONUS ROUND! (note: not actually a real ad)

. . .
Right. Finito. Go get paid or something. . .

Who needs a gym when you have friends who get you up early on sunday to go cycling. By that same logic, who needs enemies?

2011-04-20T13:08:00.000+01:00

To Everyone In Secondary School: I give you my wealth of experience in what to expect from whatever subjects you chose.
Maybe "wealth" is the wrong word for it, though.

History: The most interesting people you will never meet have their lives, hopes, dreams and motivations explained in the most boring way imaginable.

Art: Creative = popular. You knew that, right? Well, tough. Everyone here is a creative genius except you!

English: I dont even. Its just, like. Bluh. Y'kno? Spellin an shakspeer an shit. Who de fuck wants dat?

French: If you'r good at it, you won't need it. If you want to be good at it, you will need it, but your other grades will suffer as you desperately study your ass off for it. If you don't want anything to do with it, then you'll just be put in the bottom 5-8 classes with all the best teachers the other students actually want.

Agricultural Science: Needs to be renamed "Boggeraphy".

Business: Fuck. This. This is how the world works? Nuke us all and start over from amoebas.

Physics: You either get it or you don't. Unfortunately theres still no diplomatic immunity from the laws of gravity.

Biology: Sex. That's the only reason anyone ever does this subject. It also manages to make an awesome topic like this so trivial and mind-numbing you might as well be looking at the assembly instructions of an Ikea cabinet.

Chemistry: I didn't do this subject. . . . I assume there's a distinct lack of skin-melting and cancer-curing, though.

Computer Studies: The most unnecessary subject, in a world where we can use iTunes to learn what "alphabetical order" is, since Not Suffocating On Your Own Tongue 101.

Music: Seriously? This has no real-world applications, unless you're already some kind of Hans Zimmer wonderkid. And even then, you're probably doing composing in your spare time so you don't need this.

Geography: One years worth of information, tops. Biggest. Waste. Of Fucking. Time.

Social and Polical Studies: I stand corrected. This makes geography look like astrophysics.

. . .

"Is it that time again?" I hear you ask?

I answer: "Fuck if I know!"
So here's some more smileys what I done made up there now.

BJ : Cool "smirking" smiley w/ shades (Warning: May be misinterpreted!)

T_T : Crying smiley

: / : I'm bored. Whaddya wanna do?

: \ : I dunno, whaddyou wanna do?

$_$ : Business opportunity! (a.k.a. "The Ka-Ching!")

:M : Hungry Baby Bird

£_£ : Business opportunity (British Edition)

€_€ : Business opportunity (European edition)

B : )

B: )

B ) : Deal with it! (YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!)

. . .

This is the bit where I make an uninformed, biased opinion on something which doesn't really affect me in any way.

Then I get angry over said issue for reasons which will evade me during the proofread.

Then I make a vague generalisation backed up only by my own limited, near-sighted experience, trying to make me look like a deep-seated thinker, when it really only makes me look like a thirteen year old emo with a myspace blog.

Then I make it into a dick joke.

. . .

Then I finish up with a quote robbed from a philoseraptor picture.

. . .

There. Finito. Done. Kaput. Go rob a bank or something. Maybe a blood bank . . .

Stuff you should look up: 24 hours isn't enough. We need at least 30 to get anything useful done!

2011-04-17T11:10:00.001+01:00

If the Queens of the Stone Age and Kings of Leon formed some kind of super-group. . . .

. . . what would they call it?

Monarchy of the Leon Stone Age?
Stone-Leon Kingdom?
Leone Age Autocracy?

and more importantly

Would they give birth to Prince?

. . .

Music
-Covers

1) Your Song - Ellie Goulding

2) Hallelujah - Jack L

3) No Woman No Cry - The Fugees

4) Umbrella - All Time Low

5) Layla - John Fahey

As always, if you type "listento" before "youtube" in the address bar on the video's YouTube page, it'll take you straight to a download link.

. . .
That's a wrap for now, all. Now go to the gym or something . . .